Sunday, December 15, 2013

I Wasn't Lying

Sitting in the airport waiting for my flight to Colorado to visit a sister I called my mom. I love talking with my mom. She is pretty amazing for putting up with me and listening to the many tears, rants, happiness, and whirlwind of life.

This conversation went a little differently. I started telling her about a guy. A guy that I was dating. How much we get along, how we just clicked and how natural it was to be with him. I was so dumbfounded that I actually said "Mom, I have always told my friends that the relationship should be natural and not forced. That they want to spend time, talk with, or kiss the guy." Even though I believed it and wanted it for my friends I couldn't believe that it actually could happen to me. I just started laughing on the phone with her because I realized that all those things I told my friends was exactly what I wanted it to be like AND IT IS!!!

I have dated many a man and have like many a man but this one made me feel different. He and I just clicked. He asked for my number and for our first date he fixed my car. Not only fixed my car but taught me how to do it. Which is huge because I love to learn and he was so patient and sweet with all my questions. I joke that I was just playing Vanna White but it was much more then that.

From there we just started talking every day. I didn't/don't get annoyed with him calling or texting me. Which in the past has done. The rolling of the eyes is only when he does something cheesy and makes me smile.

Also as I have previously stated in my blog about how the tough conversations need to be had before you get too attached held true. On our second/third (started out as a lunch date but ended up being an all day date) date we laid the cards out on the table. We did this because we both felt that this was something more than a date to date thing between us.

As you all know sharing my story can be tough and how are they going to handle the whole "chronic illness and possible death" conversation. He handled it like a champ. But I think it is only because of his life.  We just started talking and he asked "What would you say if I told you...." Now let's be honest at this point in the game of life everyone comes with baggage and a history. He is no different and I was taken back by the conversation.

He comes with 4 daughters and many other things. I am not going to lie it all took me for a whirlwind. It still takes me for a ride and I have moments of panic and stress but he is always so willing to help me understand who he is and so I am comfortable and feel safe. He doesn't hide things because he feels it will help me trust him. (Yeah he may have had his sister find my blog and give him a little heads up on that.)   ;)

Anyway what I am trying to say is that through all my years of single life I really wasn't lying with what I said. I knew relationships would be difficult and have hardships but man I didn't think it could also be so natural to be with someone.

Now don't worry there are not wedding bells just yet as we have a LONG way to go before I will be able to swallow that idea but for now he is exactly what I need. He always opens my doors, helps me with my coat, holds my hand for everyone to see, talks with me through my anxiety, (cause I may have freaked out a little when he told me he loved me) but most importantly he is someone I can trust because he has shown me who he is. He is not perfect and there will be challenges but I am not lying when I say it is natural and easy to be with him.

Look for those relationships that you don't have to hide or lie about who you are to make them feel better. I am back to my cheesy and geek self because he lets me be that. We just have fun because we can be ourselves around one another. This should be the case even with friends. Filters are good to have in some situations but for the most part those you spend the most time with really should know who you are....not the face that you put on.

Friday, November 8, 2013

Letting Go


Not being a mother I can only imagine the struggle it is to let children go. Let them go on the first day of school, drive their first car, leave for college and the most permanent letting go of the child getting married.

 

In recent days I have had to let go of some friendships. As a single person friendships are the most important thing to me. Whether it is the friendships I have formed with family members or friends it is always difficult to let go. Sometimes this is thought of as a negative thing. That one or the other in a friendship did something wrong and therefore that is why you are letting go. That is not the case at all.

 

What I have realized is that as a single person I hold on to tight to most of my friendships. At times it is inappropriate to keep in contact with someone who has moved on and gotten married or started dating someone. Also there are the friendships that evolve and are no longer beneficial but are more of a perfunctory relationship then anything else. The latter being usually with someone you have dated and have tried to remain friends because you get along so well.

 

No matter the reasoning for letting go of a relationship it is sometimes needed. It can be temporary or permanent depending on what you want to accomplish from it. It is however not easy for me to let go. As previously stated I hang on and cherish all the friendships in my life but when I see that it is not beneficial for myself because of my expectations of it or for them because I can tend to smother it is time to let go. Let go of my expectations of the friendship/relationship. There is also the part of me that gets lost in keeping them close. I put the relationship and friendships first. Being there for people is a big part of who I am but sometimes it is at the expense of losing who I am and my goals in life to be there for another. Again the balance of life is essential in maintaining who you are because they are friends because of that. If you lose yourself in the friendship you are doing yourself and them a disservice.

 

It seems to me that on a subconscious level I feel that I have failed when I can’t keep these relationships healthy and going. There is also hurt for me to let go of the possibilities of the friendship. Not that I use people but I do lean on people for love and support when needed as we all do. So what is the fine line and balance of such relationships where you don’t have to let go?

 

This is my conundrum this week. I let go of a few friendships because I felt that I lost myself along the road and put too much of who I am into their well-being. Even though I know it is not my responsibility but it is part of who I am. I talked with the people involved. (don’t let go without telling them…that’s just rude) But where it hurts and is difficult is that I care about these people. I want them to happy and find the success of their dreams. Perhaps I am too much an optimist that all is supposed to be perfect and remaining forever friends is always the case. Little does my poor ego know that it isn’t the case.

 

The biggest part of letting go process though is letting go of my grip on my expectations. People have agency, which is a blessing from God. Allowing them to use it is so hard. Again I refer back to the mother’s of the world. I couldn’t imagine seeing and letting go of a child as they make decisions for them self. You want them to have the best possible life with the world laid before them but letting go so they can step into it has got to be tough stuff. This is something that I don’t envy in my parents or my sisters. They have had to do this many times and my mere incidences with those I care about pale in comparison but to me the friends are my world and it hurts to let go and let them live without you.

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Find Yourself Again

There comes a moment where you realize that you lost yourself along the road. You got weighed down by responsibilities and the day to day grind. As a single person I would think I would be less inclined to lose myself but that is not the case at all. So after a week like this one I was hit with a ton of bricks that read "SSS, you are crazy and are living life for other people. Where did you lose yourself too?"

Picking myself up after that was not easy. I had to let go of friendships and have honesty conversations with some of my family members. I hid a lot of who I was and what I was going through because I wanted to be there for everyone. Whether I was doing that for pride, selflessness, or just plain who I am, is the question I have been searching for the answer to the last few days.

To give a little insight into how this all went down I will share a story of what possibly happens to us....or what happened to me.

About 2 years ago I had a HORRIBLE experience in dating. From that experience I became bitter, resentful, and super controlling of my life. I didn't trust anyone and just kept going on pretending nothing happened and covering things up. There were a lot of people around me but I felt like I was hiding who I was. Which I think we all do to an extent. We hide because we fear not being accepted, or they might judge us, or that is none of anyone's business. ;) Well I hid myself for all these reasons. Throughout the course of the next 2 years I kept trying to find a relationship but never committing to anything. Afraid that I couldn't be honest to them or to myself.

I do not blame anyone for anything. Life is mostly made up of our own doing. We create what we create with the sprinkles of other people's choices dabbled on. I realized that I was growing my hair out not because I liked me with long hair but comments are constantly made about men loving women with long hair. I wasn't going to a singles ward because that is what everyone thought I should do to meet a man. I kept being friends with men I liked because we were such good friends and I didn't want to lose our friendship. On and on and on it goes until I lost myself completely. I lost my spunk, my sassy minx ways, and my genuine good heart.

Long story short my life all came to a head the last few days. I realized that I have missed out on some great relationships because I never told the guy what I thought of them or us. Never told them how I cared for them or that I would like to pursue a relationship. Instead I hid everything I was because I thought they would just come to that conclusion. FALSE!!! We can't read each others minds and thank goodness for that.

We lose ourselves because we portray what we think others need/want from us. It is not their fault it just happens. Until that day when you letting go of that false person is the only way to survive. So that is what I am doing. I am done pretending that things are happy go lucky. There are wonderful moments in life that make me giddy with happiness but there are also horrible and unfair things that happen. So it's time to find ourselves again and be honest about keeping to that. It is hard to do and we still we lose parts of ourselves for others but just remember to keep something for you.

For me it was cutting my hair, to what I love and makes me feel like me. It is going to the gym to start training for a half marathon so I can get off of medications. However, the most important thing I did to find myself was talk to my mother and tell her who I really am.

A single sassy sister who is trying to find a husband but doesn't trust men.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

What Will It Take?

What will it take for us to see
The glorious person God wants us to be
We seem to get stuck in the thick of thin things
Instead of looking for the blessings he brings

What will it take for us to see
The glorious person God wants us to be
He wants us to create and live his way
But we get stuck in the day to day

What will it take for us to see
The glorious person God wants us to be
While wars rage on to bring freedoms crown
We put on our music and hang our heads down

The race we call life will one day end
It scares me to think that I will not win
I will stand all alone wanting to cry
Because I knew better and didn't even try

The blessings I gave up to party and play
I thought I  knew better than God's way
The fight seems so difficult at times it consumes
But there must be a way to get past all this glum

Do we even know or understand
That the Great God above has a plan
We lack faith in ourselves as well as each other
And tear down the good of our neighbor and brother

What's even worse is that we don't see
His hand in our lives that leads to our destiny
He guides in loving patient reproof
Yet I try to direct it and then I lose

I lose part of myself each wrong turn
Hoping and hoping that I will return
Return to that girl who once had faith
The faith to move mountains and felt his loving embrace

Do we give up and give into sin
Once we do Satan will surely win
He won't win our soul at least not at first
But little by little we become his reserve

Will it take lightning, death or disease
To quickly humble us and put us on our knees
Where will we stand when he comes once again
I hope I don't hide and bury my sins

But if I am prepared I shall not fear
But rejoice in the fact that he comes so near
Aren't you concerned about the state of your soul
Why do you not look for what makes it whole

It's not on a shelf to be borrowed or bought
But inside each other and should be sought
So look to each other for the best things to give
Because each of us needs to forgive

What will it take for us to become
That glorious person in heaven above
We need to let go and trust in our God
That he know us all and helps us through love

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Knight in Shining Armor

As a woman I have watched many an hour of Disney princesses, romantic comedies, and the all too real love stories. I used to dream about my future husband and the characteristics I wanted in him. They consisted of both mental and physical things. Then I grew up and realized that the knight in shining armor or boy riding up on the motorcycle for a rescue does not exist. Nor would I want him to.

Let me explain why I don't want a knight in shining armor. He has NEVER seen battle. If he is riding up on a perfectly quaffed stallion with gleaming armor he doesn't know what life is. We say we want to be rescued or to be swept off our feet but really it becomes more of a knock you off your feet in a kind of dumbfounded way. Going from the strong independent woman to the need a man kind always throws me for a loop. Why can't they just continue in their lives the same way, just working together?

I have experienced and been through a lot in life. I would expect the same thing in a companion. Is he perfect... NOPE because I am not perfect. I don't always have myself put together. Often I am seen with my shoes half put on with an apple in my mouth digging for my keys in the morning. There is a part of us we would all like to hide or keep secret and sometimes that should be the case but on the whole the experiences and struggles in life have made us who we are. We all get sick, we have all sinned, we have all struggled, we have all had successes. They have each shaped and left a mark on our armor, which is not a bad thing.

Picture with me for a moment the story of Snow White. She had to runaway from the huntsman, get along with 7 dwarfs, cook, clean and all the time look over her shoulder for a woman who wanted her dead. While on the other hand we know very little about Prince Charming. (Not talking about Once Upon a Time show guy but the original Disney story.) We don't see his struggles to find her really. We see him all nice and clean opening the casket and kissing her to wake her up. Then riding off into the sunset on a beautiful white horse. There is no mud tracks on his clothing or horse. There is no hint of him working to find her. Just that he found her and kissed her and they lived happily ever after. This is probably one of the reason's I prefer Sleeping Beauty to Snow White. Prince Phillip fights the dragon and climbs a tower. aka works to wake Aurora.

So why do I not like this story? I don't like it because it makes me mad that after all Snow White did to fend off a witch and the huntsman, the man comes in and kisses her and all is well. Don't get me wrong I like a good kiss and like a guy to be there for me but it doesn't reflect on the reality of what it takes to get a "Happily Ever After." Did their problems end when they rode off? Was there a castle waiting with servants and easy street? Who knows.  All we can do is make conclusions.

For me I want a Knight in battered and rust colored armor. A person who has taken what life has given them and worked at what they wanted to create. Someone who is shaped by the war of life because he will understand why I am the way I am. It is all about understanding what got us to the point of meeting one another.

Men and women who come out smelling like roses at the end of the day never put their hands in the garden. They lightly touched the rose and smelled it but didn't work to grow it.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Is Timing Everything?

Time is something that is one of the mysteries of this life for me. There are minutes that seem like hours and years that seem like a blink of the eye. We all only have 24 hours in a day and yet it isn't the same amount every day. Anyone who knows me knows how I am about my clocks and being on time to things. I don't like to waste my time or anyone else's. It has caused a few tense conversations with friends and guys. I was raised to respect people's time and perhaps I take it to an extreme. In recent weeks time has been weighing on my mind so I did a little research on the idioms we often use regarding time.
Here are a few that stuck out to me.

Waste of Time
On time
Out of Time
It's About Time
What Time is it?
Time is on your side
No time like the present
Time flies when you are having fun
Time waits for no one
Right on time
Perfect timing
All in good time
It's all in the Lord's time

Many can be used in funny dating sayings or conversations but when it comes to actual dating it is usually used as a way to describe how we must be patient. As with the last idiom I mentioned, that is the one most used. At least in my experience and hearing. However, I feel like the first one when dating. Like I am wasting my time with dating and socializing.

Now now not saying that it is all a waste of time or that I don't/haven't learned a lot in my dating years but the first and the last really ring true to me. So I will focus more on those two in regards to my view of time and dating.

Let me start off by saying that there is such a thing as a waste of time date. We have all been on one. It is the pity date or the I am not doing anything else so I should just say yes date. There is a sort of anxiousness that comes with wasting time. We wait for the him to call. We wait for her to return said call and say yes. Then we go out and there is all this conversation and time getting to know one another. Again let me reiterate not all of it is a waste of time and these steps are needed to grow in a relationship. However, what becomes a waste of time is when you get to a point on a date or in your dating/courtship where it hits the lull. The lull of do we continue or do we breakup. This time of indecision can be one of fierce self speculation and criticism. It also can be a waste of time if the two of you don't communicate.

So much time is wasted in relationships not communicating. Assuming what the other one wants in a relationship doesn't do any good. Take the time to have the DTR talk.  (Define the Relationship) If you are both honest in the conversation then no time would be wasted. But to fear what the rejection or even the acceptance is wasting energy and time that most of us at this age don't have. (OK I am pretty much meaning me.)

Save time and the relationship by being yourself and opening up when the time is right. Either way you can move forward and not waste time on something that is not what you want. You may want more in the relationship and by golly they may as well.

Moving on to the Lord's time. In past and recent conversations this has been brought up MANY MANY times to me. People want to encourage by saying that it didn't work out because it wasn't the Lord's time. Let me be frank....It hasn't worked out because I haven't listened to the Lord's timing. I'll be honest there have been times when I knew what the Lord's timing was for me but I was fearful that I wasn't ready. Do I kick myself, a little, but I now know that is isn't about his timing for me but for the two of us and I need to be alright with allowing His/his timing to be right.

Timing in dating the right person is tough and practically takes a miracle. It is more then just making time for a date but time for each other. Are you both open to a relationship? Has there been enough time to get over the last one and not drag it into a new one? I could go on and on but I think you all know what it takes to make a relationship get off the ground. When offered the suggestion/advice of waiting on the Lord's time, take a deep breath and remember that it is more then just your watch to take into consideration.


Friday, October 4, 2013

We All Struggle

A cloud has recently lifted from my mind and body. When I am sick I tend to mope around and think of all the awful things that go wrong when I am sick. It is like a domino affect in my body that trickles into my mind and spirit. I tend to feel sorry for myself and don't like to be around people because I know I am not my normally happy self.

This round of health problems was no different but what I have learned was. We all struggle.  I am sure you are saying "Well DUH SSS this is not news to us." Perhaps it isn't but I hope to maybe remind you of the different faces we each wear during our struggles.

I will use myself as the example of faces as I can only speak for myself.

Face One: Brave face. This is the face I put on for people who I know struggle with sympathy or empathy for others. I do it because I know they can't relate or really feel what I am going through. They usual have had perfect health most of their lives and rarely if at all lost a loved one close to them. I use it  not to manipulate them but to guard them from what they may not be comfortable with.

I also put this face on when things are really bad. When I know that if I put on any other face people will see right through me and know that I am not good. I tend to put on the Brave Face to hide how scared I am of what is going on in my life. I will break down if I don't put this face on. It may also be considered my Lying Face because I will lie straight through my teeth to keep the Brave Face on.

Face Two: Happy Face. My fake smile and light voice. Don't get me wrong I am happy but there is a difference between being happy and putting on the happy face. I put it on to hide the insecurities or to keep things upbeat even though I may want to smack someone upside the head. My Happy face that I put on is not genuine. Those who know me can tell when I am truly happy and when the Happy Face is on. It is my "I am happy because I need to be, not because I am."

Face Three: Depressed/Sad/Angry Face. This one is my death stare down face. It tells you that you best walk away now because you are either going to get a landslide of words or the death stare that will burn through your soul. ;) It is not one that I like on me but as of late it has been the one used the most. Which is not a good thing as I know it is not my natural way of being which makes this face stay around longer. It is like a never ending cycle. Within this face I have no sympathy or empathy for others. In face I could careless what is going on around me. I want to be in my own world left alone to my own devices. Which may include the following: Ice Cream, Writing, Crying, Moping, and Hide in a Hole.

Face Four: Sheer Joy Face. I love this face. This face shows that I am just happy and joyful with sunshine radiating from my eyes. It greets you with a smile or a hug that is genuine and kind.  I wish this face would come around more often as it is the one that helps me understand others as well. Even with this face there are still struggles but for whatever reason they don't weigh me down when I have this face. The clarity, love, and contentment that come with this face help me get through some of the other faces. This face feels sorrow, pain, joy, radiance, and sadness but is calm in the storm.

We all have our struggles and faces to get us through. I am sure we put on many faces a day, quickly changing from one to another. We hide ourselves from others because we may not want to burden others with our problems, or don't like talking with others about it, or the other myriad of reasons to hide behind our faces. To hide behind our struggles.

In one of my darkest moments recently a wise friend told me they would switch places with me in an instant. I was taken aback because I would have loved to. In this particular struggle of mine I wanted more time. More time on earth to be with family, friends, learn, love more, and just be in this physical existence more. While my friend was happy to switch places and leave this frail existence. Their struggle is a long life while mine may be a short one. I quickly felt sorrow for my narrow mindedness in not seeing how what I may consider a struggle another would consider a blessing.

We all struggle, we all put on our faces to get us through but perhaps I should add one more face to my collection.....
Another's Face: This one would understand and truly feel another's struggles. This face would also see myself through their eyes and realize the potential they see in me or the love they have for me.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Trouble of Men...they aren't trouble

PLEASE READ ALL THE WAY TO THE END!!!

In recent weeks there has been a lot of talk about how men are not up to snuff. How they need to do more and aren't living up to their potential or priesthood responsibility. (LDS term) This is mostly said in the singles wards I have attended or stories that have come from them. This saddens me every time I hear it.

I will give an example of a recent occurrence.
In a singles church meeting one of the leaders stood up to give a talk. He started easy enough saying how much he loved working with the single people of the church and how young it made him feel...even though I am pretty sure he was only 10 years older than most of the congregation. As he started his talk or at least the main topic he said "Now sisters this part isn't for you, it is for the brethren..." then proceeded to talk about how men need to be better because they are deviants for not being married. Stating that most men their age have a pornography problem or some other issues.

Now I am not saying that what he said isn't true or have fact based in it. What I am saying is that this is wrong. Why is he publically chastising the men? Because I can tell you from a woman's stand point all I heard in that talk is that I am right for being single because all of these men are not up to my standards. It validated my feelings of why I don't want to date. It completely helped my cause of justification in avoiding the dating scene. Now how did this help me or them....IT DIDN'T AT ALL.

These leaders and other speakers pander to the poor plight of the single woman. While railing the men on how they are not men. I am sorry but if I were a guy I would probably turn off my ears and perhaps not return to church. (That is just me and how I get though not encouraging this childish behavior)

A friend of mine recently pointed out that men are not 100% testosterone and women are not 100% estrogen. Therefore, why do we handle each other with that mentality? That men don't have feelings but to beat them like a horse until submission. While women are petted like a soft kitten. This is not helping what the real problems are. Understanding that individually we struggle. Women like a challenge and find it invigorating to rise up to it. While men do like to be spoken softly and kindly to.

I do not deserve sympathy over my male single friend just because I am female. We should be talked to and sympathized equally if at all.

Now before you go all huffy puffy on me ladies please hear this part out.

MEN need to be needed and loved just as a woman does. Perhaps not to the extent of women but they in their own way do. I am sure they appreciate simple gestures of understanding instead of the rolling of the eyes when you see them at a party instead of a date on a Saturday night. They get tired of asking girls on dates, just as we get tired of going on dates. (BAD DATES that is)

There is a lot both sexes could do to encourage and bring a more positive force into these kinds of conversations and talks.

Women - Stop thinking that you being single has everything to do with a  man....it doesn't. You are single because  you are single. Don't go eating bon-bon every night or bring your crochet to a meeting cause nothing applies to you. We have just as much of a responsibility to dating as men do. Our role is just different. No man wants to ask out the Gabby the Gossip or Bertha the Bitter. Find the positive in your life and expand upon it. Lift up the men and women around you. Encourage don't discourage girls to go out with a guy that you may like but he asked your friend out. It is a hard pill to swallow but sisters before misters is the wrong way of thinking. You want your sister to be happy...maybe she would be happy with that guy.

Men - Stop worrying about what a woman thinks. You can't read her mind so stop worrying about impressing her. Be yourself and ask a girl out. Do work on upping your game by being a better version of yourself. If you struggle with stuff work on figuring it out. Most women are kind and will be patient with you if you just talk to them. If you have a ton of girlfriends....ASK ONE OF THEM OUT. Obviously you know how to talk with that girl why not ask her on a date? I know heaven forbid friends become lovers but trust me that is the most lasting and truest relationship of all.

BOTH - Lift each other up in talking with, about, or around one another. Stop thinking you deserve someone better. Do talk to people of the opposite sex that you may actually have something in common with. (aka talk with those like minded not just the handsome/pretty ones)

I hope that we will stop nagging the men and talking bad about them in the congregational settings. It hurts me to see my fellowman be torn down in such a way and in such a public manner. So stop making those comments, stop making the mean jokes and just work on what you can...which is YOU!



Monday, August 12, 2013

Brass Tacks

It is hard to be honest in this world. We tend to hide from others due to judgment or that side ways glance that may come from telling them how you feel about something.

Well I am here to get down to Brass Tacks about why I love and loathe being single.
I may get random comments or the soft pat on the back that is for sympathy, heck I may even get a few choice words thrown my direction but I need to get a few things straight.

1. Just cause I am a single white female with short hair does not mean I like women. On more than a few occasions it has come to my attention that men like long flowing hair. Therefore short hair is unacceptable in a feminine woman. There seems to be some equation that a certain type of women ascribe to because they have short hair. I have short hair cause it is cute on me. More men who actually know me like my short hair as it is part of my spunky personality.

2. I love me time. This is one thing I cherish about being single. I am sometimes wasteful with my time I admit but I try to be productive and go above and beyond in ways to serve those around me.

3. It is hard to be alone. But I think sometimes it is harder for me to be with someone. I tend to keep people at an arms length because I don't want to hurt them or have them hurt. My parents constantly tell me that this is selfish and I agree. But try to picture watching someone watch you be in pain and can't help. Now picture doing that for a lifetime. I know it is completely selfish and yes some can handle it but it hurts me more to know that others cry, feel pain, or uselessness because of things beyond both our controls. (Speaking of a terminal disease if you haven't read previous posts.)

4. Losing control or allowing others control is not my best quality. After a particularly scary and albeit awful situation on a date I swore to myself that I would never allow someone to control me. Now granted I may have gone to some extremes in controlling and even forgot how to trust those I knew/know but it is easier to have control of my world then let others in.

5.  I love being an aunt. I love calling my nieces and nephews for birthdays. I look forward to the day when I will be able to take trips with them and do more things as they get older.

6.  I can be happy and sad being single. As with any stage in life there are ebbs and flows of emotion. I don't think that just because a person's marital status changes so does their happiness. We all have moments of reflection and struggle in our lives. There are also those peaceful happy joyous moments where you know how amazing your life is.

I guess what I am trying to say in this post is that it is time to be honest. We may love our lives but we don't always like it. We judge others even though we don't know them. (Judgment does not always imply negative)  We are trying to just survive the day most of the time. We look forward to the to do list being less, more money coming in, with all the time in the world to be with those we love. But it doesn't happen that way and that is alright. We move on to the next day looking for the opportunity to improve.  My way of thinking is this: If you don't like me then you don't know me. :)

Friday, August 9, 2013

Step Away from the Bitter Bug

It is the season of marriages. As much as I love dressing up and help a friend put a down payment on a house, it is a tough situation when you are left in the cold dead non-dating winter. What is worse is that you are extremely happy for them but you just wish you were the one with the dress and pretty shoes.

At times like this I tend to become a little bitter. Yes I admit I have a bitter bug inside me. It is not bitter toward anyone but the situation. What starts out as pure joy upon seeing a picture of a friend with her engagement ring can quickly turn into "Well if she can find someone..." pity party.

The slippery slope I quickly get on tends to take me to a not so happy place. A lot of self reflection/doubt occurs, or worse yet another binge with me and the Bunny Tracks ice cream fairies. All in all I think though I have realized a few things through my sugar induced coma or rant personal writings about how I can avoid the bitter bug of singlehood.

1.  I remind myself that the man she is marrying is her perfect match. Which means he and I would never have worked....not that I am ever interested in their fianc├ęs. It is more of a if she can find someone to fit her then there must be a lid to fit my pot.

2.  I go out with my friends. Whether guys or girls I surround myself with people who make me smile. Why be a Debbie downer when you could just remember how awesome you are and that you have people who care about you. Even if your not married to one of them.

3.  I call my sisters. This may sound weird but I call one of my sisters and talk to her. Within the ten minute conversation she has had children come up and ask for this and that. She lists off the numerous chores, baking goods to make, lessons to teach, or how tired she is from trying to raise a house of kids. This is a reminder of how amazing I have it that I can sleep, eat, play, or do whatever whenever I want. (Please note that I am not looking down on my sisters but appreciating that I am not them.)

4.  I look at the picture of the happy couple and imagine that one day it will be me. Why not dwell on the positive of the situation and bask in the hope that one day it could be me. I run through the things I would want to do differently, that is to say my tastes in things are different than the bride to be. But to look at how happy a couple is at the cusp of their relationship you can't help but be excited for them.

Avoid the Bitter Bug that creeps up on you. Trust me it likes to eat at your soul with some lasting scars. Don't lose hope that you are perfectly situated in life. Use the bug spray you do have like friends, family, and a shopping spree ;-) to avoid what is out of your control. Step back to look at the AMAZING person you are and that one day you will find an AMAZING lid to your pot.

Friday, June 21, 2013

Dating Resume

Dating is like finding a job. To find a job you have to create a resume, go on interviews then sort through job offers or go back to the drawing board if there are none. So I figure if I really want to date someone or find an awesome companion then I need to start creating, going out, and suss through the options or non-options.
Obviously a dating resume like a job resume would list my accomplishments, show my education, skills, and history. But really we all can get to that at some point. What I would want my dating resume to list is the following:
 
My family is amazing, funny, and loving. Never a dull moment with this crazy bunch. Wouldn't trade them in for a barrel of monkeys.
 


I love to hike, bike, raft, fly like a bird...pretty much anything where I can be outside.









 
 
I love food. Not a bad cook but anytime I can sit around a table with people and get to know them is my idea of an awesome dinner. I put together a dinner club night once a month for the last 3 years. Love trying new places, food, and meeting new people.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I love, laugh, and live it up a lot. Life is short don't hold yourself back and to crazy on it's own to make it up.


One of my favorite things to do is to help others find love. It is a great faith and hope building seeing 2 people come together. Have made more than a few matches.




I am a kid at heart. A good roller coaster will make me laugh and make me a little giddy goofy.





There are many other things about me that could be written on a resume. All the accomplishments that the world may look at but I would sum myself up more in this way. I am not perfect but I do not feel that life has passed me by. I love being an aunt, a friend, a sister, a daughter, a Child of God. I could not ask for more of my life and look forward to the upcoming adventures whatever comes my way.
I don't need to be a supermodel or doctor to feel amazing. I just need to remind me who I am and why I am here. That is what is more important on my resume.

If you need more information you could always ask an ex. :)

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Girl Friend Advice

Through the years I have given more than my 2 cents to both my guy friends and girl friends about dating. They ask me what I think of someone they are interested in and I tell them. This has proved to be a double edge sword in a lot of ways. On the one hand I have helped people realize what they want but on the other I have hurt friendship over it. (Cause the person in question proved me wrong...which isn't a bad thing)
This situation happened recently heck it happens weekly but one particular situation made me stop and evaluate if I am really doing more harm than good.

A guy friend (who I have dated) was talking about this girl he was interested in. I have only met her a handful of times but felt that I knew somewhat of the person she was like. There is a reason the word stereotype exists. I wish it didn't and there weren't but they are and they do.

Anyway, he was telling me of his concerns and his interest in this girl and of course I chimed in with a little comment. Nothing forthcoming of my opinion but just that I think it was great that he was interested and pursuing a girl. He then asked me what I thought of her. I was ready to start the retort when I just got a sick pit in my stomach. So I erased my response and told him that I think it is a good thing that he is getting to know this girl.

I realized that I was totally seeing this girl how I wanted to see her. Perhaps there was a hint of jealous or perhaps there was fear of him getting hurt or all of the above but I wanted to step away from the topic because it is not a good position to be in talking of others. Yes do I think there are red flags or green flags from this possible relationship....duh but it is not my place to save him from living out the relationship.

We with all our good intentions tend to want to warn people of danger. Relationships especially. We don't want our friends to suffer or go through what may be a train wreck of emotions but we need to let them. If there were or is a MAJOR problem I would tell him. But it does me no good to put my nose in where it doesn't belong even if asked.

So I have come up with some guidelines that people should at when going into a relationship that I would give anyone including myself.

Things to look at when wanting to date a girl:
1. Does she have more than one girlfriend? This may seem strange but it tells a lot about a girl with what company she keeps and if she can get along with others. Sure there are a few exceptions to the rule like my sister who is extremely shy but she has her sisters as her best friends.
2. Are their more guy friends than girl friends in her life? Again huge indicator of relationships. I am a big tomboy at heart but I also know that I can't keep my guy friends forever. When guys are all I hang out with it becomes messy. There is at some point "tension" if you know what I mean. Or I am seeking attention or validation from men. Again this is just what I see and have experienced.
3. How is she around kids? Whether her own or others it is a big deal with how she treats them. Some women are not of a motherly instinct which is fine but if a woman puts her needs before her children that is just not OK. Patience with kids is tough stuff and I can only imagine what it is like to be a mom but I see good moms who put their kids first even when they are running around like a chicken screaming at the top of their lungs.

Things to look at when wanting to date a guy:
1. Does he have more girlfriends than guy friends? This one is a big one in my opinion because I know that if he has a lot of girlfriends a lot of them like him and I am not about to join the throng. With guys who just hang out with girls it is difficult to discern his feelings for you. Cause let me tell you he may be a player, a mamma's boy, or doesn't know how to be one of the guys. Again just from my perspective.
2. How is he when playing sports? I am one competitive cookie but I also believe in good sportsmanship. There is difference in winning and losing yourself. If he can't handle the guy guarding him while wanting to take a shot most likely he doesn't know how to handle stressful situations without elbows or words being thrown.
3. What does he do in his spare time? If he likes to play video games great you better like it to or be able to put up with it. If he goes to the gym for 4 hours or plays basketball with the guys again you better be ok with it. Men are not like women in wanting to do service and talk with their girlfriends on the phone for hours. So when looking at dating a guy make sure you are ok with his extracurricular activities because on more than one occasion I have seen this be a crux in a relationship.

My whole point of this post is two-fold.
1. Don't voice your opinion all the time even when asked it can come back to bite you in the butt. Make you look like the bad guy or petty fool. I may have the best of intentions but trust me it is not my place to pass judgment or have them hear my voice on someone else's relationship.
2. Look for the good and bad signs. Know that at this stage in the game their main characteristics aren't changing much. So make sure they are ones that you can respect and enjoy.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Entitlement Dating


I am sure I have written a previous post that is similar to this but the topic came up again recently in conversation I had with a guy friend.

We were comparing our social outings and recent dating stories. I crack up every time I talk to him because of the perspective he brings. Well this time he did not disappoint and with his permission I am sharing our conversation.

I started off with the why it is difficult and frustrating to date LDS (Mormon) men. Here was my quick list of struggles.

  1. They feel that every girl should know how to cook, clean, sew, play an instrument or sing, and stay a size 2 with a cute figure of Barbie.
  2. We should be grateful that they even asked us out because otherwise we would be sitting at home with our bon bons and wallowing.
  3. It is easier to date an atheist than a LDS guy. This is a point I brought up with a recent dating experience. There were no expectations from the atheist guy. Sure the big elephant in the room was that I believe in God and he doesn’t but beyond that we had a great time. It was all about getting to know each other. Not comparing notes of who we know or going through a list of questions that tend to follow on an LDS date.
  4. LDS men feel they have the right to date up. Yes you want to date someone that makes you want to be better but perhaps at the cost of the other losing a little of themselves. We all know how this works and it is usually put on a physical 1 to 10 scale. My scale is 1 to 10 but it isn’t about what the guy looks like.

So after I was able to air my dating grievances he shared with me his on dating LDS women. I will put his reply in quatations as I think it is much better as such without the numbered list.

"hhmm see I would think the opposite as it's Mormon women who I think are entitled.
But that's just my opinion and perspective.
Sure you're a daughter of God of great worth but then again by that definition so is every female on the planet.
Why are you special again?
What are you doing with your life?
Oh yeah nothing?
So you're pretty much capable of procreation and that's it...yeah pass.
But somehow you're fulfilling your diving mission to have a uterus and doing nothing else with your life again....pass."

I will be honest the first time I read his reply I gawked. I mean how dare he say that because I don’t think that at all. Then it hit me….we all think like this. We all feel we have something to bring to the table of a relationship that no one else can. This is true to an extent. I think where the hang up really is that we expect something from God, universe, karma whatever you call it because we have worked for who we are and what we have.

By definition Entitlement is: Belief that one is deserving of or entitled to certain privileges. In the case of the LDS culture we call it blessings. Because we have done A, B, C God must give us D. In some cases this is true and there are natural laws at play with that theory. However, when it comes to dating, eternal mate selection, and the big choices God wants us to rely on ourselves. Yes we have worked for ABC but that should help us see the answer of D not expect it to be given to us.

To let go of foolish traditions of what I think/want/worked for/deserve in my eternal companion is the hardest thing to do. I do have expectations from God and from myself in what I get out of this life but I can’t put those expectations on others. I am no more special than the next girl or guy because we are all children of God and should look at each other as such. Not as a prize that we deserve because we followed ABC.

***As a post-script I do want to add that I never mean offense in my writings. This is just what I see in my world and how I feel.*** 

Friday, March 22, 2013

Who has It Easier?

When it comes to dating there is sometime the unfortunate break-up. In recent months I have realized that this is my least favorite part. It just stinks.

There are varying reasons and excuses given when breaking up.
"It's not you it's me."
"I am just not in a good place in my life."
"I don't want to be in a committed relationship." Turn around and married in 3 months.
"I want someone like you." Married someone polar opposite of me and what he said he was looking for.
"I feel like I will run you over and control your life " Yes I have actually used this one. Long story

Everyone thinks that break-up is the hard part but it isn't. It is the getting back out there part that is a bear
You have to start all over in a lot of ways. If you have been in a relationship longer than 3 months the likely hood of you still keeping in touch with your friends  is minimal. You have spent most of your free time with your partner. Things outside of a relationship slip. (My laundry is the first to suffer)

But getting back out their seems to be easier for some than others. I am not one that it is easy for but apparently for any and all of my exes it is easy for them. They tend to find a new girlfriend withing a week of us stopping our relationship. Why is this?

I am not blaming guys so please do not think that this is finger pointing time but  more of a why is it easier for for some while I am still sitting here with my thumbs tied behind my back it seems?

I have 2 theories about this and I may be absolutely wrong but this is just what I think and see.

1. Men can ask a woman out quicker than men can find out than a girl broke up with her boyfriend. I am an old fashion girl when it comes to who asks whom out. I have never had a relationship even remotely work out where I asked the guy out on a date. Did it once and never again.
Is this a reason why? I mean guys bounce back or want to move forward while women want to dwell and fix before moving on. again theoretical here.

...or is it because

2. Women tend to have a more supportive group around them to buoy them up or go through the "grieving " process with them. While men tend to not like being alone and want to move onto greener pastures.

This is all from my own limited perspective. I sit here and see more than one ex move happily ever after with their life while I am still trudging mud waiting for the guy to notice me that I sit by at church or talk to at the gym. Don't get me wrong there are many reasons why my relationships and many others haven't worked out. I do not begrudge the men in my life who have moved on and in most cases I am truly happy for them finding someone they love. But I still think it is easier for them to move onto the next relationship than it is is for me.

What are all your thoughts on this? Truly I need some perspective on this one. This is from a single sassy sister who doesn't have a lot of male friends that will be truthful with her.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Attack on Women


Lately in the news I hear this phrase thrown around in most stories that involve women's rights. It is an "Attack on Women" because their employer won't offer birth control or can't wear pants to church etc. Well as a woman I would like to address this.

I love being a woman. I am often reminded of the song "I enjoy Being a Girl" from Flower Drum Song musical. Is it tough and is a lot expected or wanted from us...YES!! But there are certain perks to being a girl. I often get drinks or food paid for, doors opened for me, a protective arm around me on a slippery side walk, a coat offered on a cold day, or get out of traffic tickets cause of tears. (which I have only used once and they came without my control.)

Some women may see these things as being reliant or setting women back but I see it as allowing someone to do something for me. Men are not naturally giving creatures so when they do these things I am sure to be appreciative and grateful for these gestures. I do not feel that it demeans my own ability to do them just that I am allowing them to serve me.

When it comes to the work place there is also a lot thrown around that women get the raw end of the deal in the work place. I  this regard I do agree. We women in the workforce have to be stronger and honestly a little mean because we tend to not be taken seriously. I on more than one occasion have noticed that women who are higher in a company tend to be more aggressive. Not saying that a nice soft woman can't run a company but they tend to not be able to get far if they are. I am lucky in the regard that I work with all men and am highly regarded and respected for my opinion. It did however take me a long time to find a company where this occurred  There have been positions in my past where the man in charge has looked down or spoken down to me versus my male counterpart. This hurts and is a bit stressful but I found out that it is there small minded thinking that made them so. The glass ceiling is there in some companies but I feel that on the whole it is much better.
I do not feel that my employer has to provide me with certain things just cause I am a woman. Its a privilege to have a job. There is no sense of entitlement or expectation to have things because of it. I provide for myself. Not my employers job to provide for my personal choices outside of work. aka birth control. I do not want to push my agenda over their own consciousnesses. Luckily however my health insurance is covered by this.
I have other opinions about this but perhaps another time I will discuss it.

Then there is the home. Recently in a Sunday school discussion there was some much heated debate on the roles of parents. Who does what? Who leads the family? etc. I was brought up in a stay at home mom environment. My parents were lucky that way in they found a way to make it work for them. My mother did however find a job once all her children were in school. Again luckily it was with the school district so we all had the same hours. I was rarely at home by myself. She was also my softball coach, cheerleading coach, and church leader. Was it tough at times to have her constantly around yes but I always had her support.
I have sisters who have chosen to stay at home and home school their children. I also have sisters who have chosen to go back to school to enter the work force. Do I think either or is right or wrong? No They are doing what they feel is right for them. They are not better or worse nor attacked because of their choices. They are all smart, driven, and contributing members of society. Just all in different ways.

Please know that I grew up in a house of mostly women. I did the cleaning and the yard. I was taught how to drive, change the oil, fix plumbing, sew, knit, cook and many more things. But just because I can do all these things doesn't mean I want to. I like when I can call a guy friend and have him come fix something. Call me a 1950's woman or whatever but I just prefer to give men a chance to serve. Push comes to shove though lets be honest half the time I do it myself. I moved myself more than once...loading and unloading a truck. 

There is so much more to this topic including roles in the home itself, but again another time.

What I am trying to get across is that we shouldn't look at it as an attack on women but on society. Women and children are the ones that lose in wars, domestic violence, and in most care. This I don't dispute at all. It saddens me and breaks my heart that this is the casualty of being here on earth. I wish men were softer and understood their consequences of attitude, aggression, and war but perhaps that is why there is women...to balance it out. Why be like men? There are enough of them in this world. Be women who are strong, caring, and women who can change the world in no way that a man can.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Can Men and Women Be "Just Friends?"

Recently I found on YouTube a video of college kids going around asking each other if boys and girls can just be friends. I was laughing so hard listening to the answers. For one it was a campus that has a high population of LDS/Mormons attending...and no it wasn't BYU. But what was cracking me up even more is how the girls were all sweet and innocent thinking that they can just hang out with their guy friends and all is well in the world. 

Whereas the guys were saying no. I am sorry sisters of the single life but those guys were totally right. It takes a lot to build a friendship and it is hard to let it go but let me just say from experience that guys and girls can be friends but not forever. Why you ask? Well let me just tell you how it plays out.

1. At some one if not both of you will wonder in your head if the other person likes you more than just a friend. You/They will think "We have such a great time together could there be more?" Unfortunately this mainly applies to the women of the friendship. We think this because we tend to go for a guys personality more than anything and through friendship we tend to find men more attractive as we get to know them.

2. Men are hormonal. Don't get me wrong women are too but lets be honest here they are going to think at some point "Is she a good kisser?" And I am keeping this PG but you get the idea. They are attracted to the physical and if one of their girl friends just so happens to look extra cute one day that is what will run through their mind. But it doesn't go past that...they aren't thinking long term here ladies. They just think you are cute, hot, sexy, or whatever for that minute and wonder what it would be like to be a little physical with you. 

3. I have had my fair share of guy friends. They are great and hopefully they all know that I wouldn't change them for the world but to say I hadn't looked at each of them as a potential mate would be a lie. There I said it...HUGE confession there. Most of them never ever went past that thought but truly it went through my head at some point or another within the beginnings of getting to know them. Most women can't separate from this thought and keep looking for that potential. I on the other hand see their potential and try to set them up with someone who I think would be a great fit. (A thorn in my poor parents side...their daughter the match maker of everyone else but herself.)

4. There are occasions where men and women can be friends. I am good friends with a few of my ex-boyfriends but it took and still to this day takes A LOT of communication and going over boundaries and making sure we were on the same page and not reading into anything. So it can be done but trust me it takes a very honest and true friendship in order for this to work. Most of the time it just explodes and sadly it is usually the women who end up a little battered and torn because we naturally take on the situation ourselves.

At the end of the day when thinking about my guy friends/boyfriends I say to myself "Could I live without this person?" In the end we truly only have one eternal and true friend. Don't feel bad if you don't stay friends with those guys or girls. You didn't date for a reason and hopefully they will find someone that make them happy. Men and women can be friends but trust me at some point your relationship will change. You can't stay friends forever with all those cute guys. Also guys you can't keep hanging out with those girls thinking that they are just fine with how things are...cause they probably dying a little inside when you ask someone else out on a date but hang out with them on a weeknight. Just sayin!!!

Here is the link to the video...please watch it is funny.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_lh5fR4DMA

Friday, January 25, 2013

Beautiful Creature

There seems to be a common misconception that women want to be men. Well I don't know about everyone else but this woman does not by any means, way, or inclination to be like a man. I love being a woman and the femininity of being such.

Don't get me wrong I am grateful for those who fought for women rights but I don't think all of them wanted to turn into men or be like a man. Men are gruff, built to work, and to provide. Women are soft, curvy, loving, kind, and caring. Why is it we work so hard to be like men?

One of my sister's and I were discussing the essential characteristic of women and the roles that they play in the world. So here is a list of thoughts that derived from that conversation. ****Please note that these are all opinion with no research or fact in them.****

1.  Women need to be in the home. Does this mean they can't work outside or inside the home? NO Just that the essential rock of a good family is the mother and wife being in the home. This can vary in so many ways. I have friends who love their children to no end but can't handle staying home. Are they bad women or mothers no but they recognize what they can provide of their best selves. Their children or husband do not suffer because she doesn't stay home 24/7 but they thrive because she is happy and loving to them. On the flip side some of my sisters home-school their children and are with them 24/7 because that is what they feel they need to do. It is all about participating in the home. God created us to bear children and raise them. Therefore, he knows what we can handle and can help us find the right way to do so for us.

2.  Women want to help. Most women want to help change the world. Many have taken this to mean it can only be done in a work environment. I don't agree. There are many ways to change the world and it is not limited to home or career. Allow your natural abilities to guide on this one.

3.  I have worked for many many years in corporations, non-profits, and small home based businesses. In this time I have noticed that most women who are high up or striving to break the glass ceiling are unhappy. They are not nice to other women and tend to talk negatively about men. I didn't want to be like that. I have made an effort to not be mean or rough when seeking a promotion at work. "Kill them with kindness" as the old adage says. Trust me I am a much better person to deal with when I don't pull out the forceful SSS.


There is so much more to this post that I want to write but I think this quote sums my feelings up best:

"Women of God can never be like women of the world. 
The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. 
There are enough women who are course; we need women who are kind. 
There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined. 
We have enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith. 
We have enough greed; we need more goodness. 
We have enough vanity; we need virtue. 
We have enough popularity; we need more purity." Margaret Nadauld


Don't make yourself smaller or less of a person to make a man feel bigger but don't take away from their roles and characteristics as well. God created 2 distinct sexes. I am working very hard on appreciating and recognizing the difference between the sexes.

***The only thing that I wish we were more like men is in their strength mainly because women and children are always the biggest causalities in wars and violence. I would like to be able to defend myself a little better is all.***