Yesterday I got my marriage license. I never thought that day would ever come. I really didn't. I was content and happy being my single sassy self. Then all of a sudden this guy comes into my life and I fall in love with him and he becomes my best friend who I love to spend time with. When did this happen? But that is another post. This post is about my anxiety and flash before my eyes moments that occurred while waiting in line.
Let me start off by saying that I am so EXCITED to be getting married and to my (as my friend put it) "Smart Match." However, it has come with a lot of fear, heartache, adjustments, laughter, love, hugs, and kisses. But while standing in that line most of what I felt was fear. The following are what were plaguing my mind.
1. Are we going to live happily ever after? I have family and friends who are going through or are divorced. They, I am sure, started out just as I am now. Loving their fiancé ready to take on the world with them. Then somewhere things changed for them. No judgment on this because I know that there are reasons beyond my knowledge of the situations where it is between the two of them of what lead them to the point of divorce. Especially marrying someone who has been divorced. So as this fear crept into my mind here was my counter to it - It is possible but if I am honest with him and myself throughout this marriage it will be what it should be. There is always a possibility of change and destruction but there is also the change of good things as well. I have beaten the odds with so many other things in my life I will just tackle this the same way. With reckless abandon. :) Work has always been my motto of life. We work through the struggles and strife while trying to enjoy the good. So it will continue. Nothing will change from my perspective of how I handle life just that I am now doing it with someone else to consider.
2. We both come with a very big carriage of baggage. Traversing through my own baggage has weighed me down at times. Trying to always be positive or optimistic about the luggage of my life has helped in tough moments but now it is time to take on more. Taking on someone else's baggage along with my own and allowing them to have mine as well has been the biggest fear. We have been through a lot in our short time together and I do not see it becoming lighter any time soon. The problem with us is that we try to "make it up" to the other. Due to the fact that we both have some pretty serious and heavy baggage we try to lighten each others loads and make up for our short comings that we bring to the relationship. This is a concern and a blessing. Concern because we may be overly trying and will burn out on that part, yet a blessing because we try to serve each other. I think it will eventually be for sheer enjoyment that we serve each other in our lives and not because we feel we have to make up for what we bring.
3. Being a step-mother to young adults and teenagers is a HUGE fear. He has four daughters ranging from 21 to 12. This is a big thing for me as I don't have any children of my own and stepping into this role has been a challenge. I love these girls and they each are so unique and talented. They all are far more intelligent then myself that sometime the conversations they have I can't contribute or be a part of because I literally have no idea what they are talking about. Also one of them is getting married this year and another is engaged. WHOA is all I can say. Stepping into their lives at this point is difficult just because they are all grown and I feel I have nothing to offer to their lives but at the same time it is great because I know how to be more of a friend then a mother figure. Again it is a mixed bag but I just hope that whatever happens they see how much I love their dad and them unconditionally. There will be growing pains and uncomfortable moments but I am pretty sure that is with any child/parent relationship. At least that is my hope.
4. Life is forever changed. It is not that I don't want to give up my single life but I also am having a hard time moving forward. When you live with roommates it's easy. You can change the roommate situation. But a husband is a little more difficult to change and there is a lot more compromise and communication then what was required with roommates. It costs twice as much to do something because you are paying for two people vs. one. Making decisions on if/when we want to have kids. There are just a lot of changes that come with this. My goal though is to not change who I am. Care for him now and going forward as I have cared for all others in my life.
Who I am will not change but will evolve. It will evolve into a couple lifestyle instead of a single lifestyle and as horribly fearful that can be I am also THRILLED for this new adventure. Single life has taught me so much of who I am and what I want out of life that I just hope to carry on with that alongside my sweetheart.
P.S. Don't worry I will continue writing but it will be a little different of the sassy side...aka adding a family to your life that lives in town. New challenges and opportunities await!!!