Knight in Shining Armor

As a woman I have watched many an hour of Disney princesses, romantic comedies, and the all too real love stories. I used to dream about my future husband and the characteristics I wanted in him. They consisted of both mental and physical things. Then I grew up and realized that the knight in shining armor or boy riding up on the motorcycle for a rescue does not exist. Nor would I want him to.

Let me explain why I don't want a knight in shining armor. He has NEVER seen battle. If he is riding up on a perfectly quaffed stallion with gleaming armor he doesn't know what life is. We say we want to be rescued or to be swept off our feet but really it becomes more of a knock you off your feet in a kind of dumbfounded way. Going from the strong independent woman to the need a man kind always throws me for a loop. Why can't they just continue in their lives the same way, just working together?

I have experienced and been through a lot in life. I would expect the same thing in a companion. Is he perfect... NOPE because I am not perfect. I don't always have myself put together. Often I am seen with my shoes half put on with an apple in my mouth digging for my keys in the morning. There is a part of us we would all like to hide or keep secret and sometimes that should be the case but on the whole the experiences and struggles in life have made us who we are. We all get sick, we have all sinned, we have all struggled, we have all had successes. They have each shaped and left a mark on our armor, which is not a bad thing.

Picture with me for a moment the story of Snow White. She had to runaway from the huntsman, get along with 7 dwarfs, cook, clean and all the time look over her shoulder for a woman who wanted her dead. While on the other hand we know very little about Prince Charming. (Not talking about Once Upon a Time show guy but the original Disney story.) We don't see his struggles to find her really. We see him all nice and clean opening the casket and kissing her to wake her up. Then riding off into the sunset on a beautiful white horse. There is no mud tracks on his clothing or horse. There is no hint of him working to find her. Just that he found her and kissed her and they lived happily ever after. This is probably one of the reason's I prefer Sleeping Beauty to Snow White. Prince Phillip fights the dragon and climbs a tower. aka works to wake Aurora.

So why do I not like this story? I don't like it because it makes me mad that after all Snow White did to fend off a witch and the huntsman, the man comes in and kisses her and all is well. Don't get me wrong I like a good kiss and like a guy to be there for me but it doesn't reflect on the reality of what it takes to get a "Happily Ever After." Did their problems end when they rode off? Was there a castle waiting with servants and easy street? Who knows.  All we can do is make conclusions.

For me I want a Knight in battered and rust colored armor. A person who has taken what life has given them and worked at what they wanted to create. Someone who is shaped by the war of life because he will understand why I am the way I am. It is all about understanding what got us to the point of meeting one another.

Men and women who come out smelling like roses at the end of the day never put their hands in the garden. They lightly touched the rose and smelled it but didn't work to grow it.

Is Timing Everything?

Time is something that is one of the mysteries of this life for me. There are minutes that seem like hours and years that seem like a blink of the eye. We all only have 24 hours in a day and yet it isn't the same amount every day. Anyone who knows me knows how I am about my clocks and being on time to things. I don't like to waste my time or anyone else's. It has caused a few tense conversations with friends and guys. I was raised to respect people's time and perhaps I take it to an extreme. In recent weeks time has been weighing on my mind so I did a little research on the idioms we often use regarding time.
Here are a few that stuck out to me.

Waste of Time
On time
Out of Time
It's About Time
What Time is it?
Time is on your side
No time like the present
Time flies when you are having fun
Time waits for no one
Right on time
Perfect timing
All in good time
It's all in the Lord's time

Many can be used in funny dating sayings or conversations but when it comes to actual dating it is usually used as a way to describe how we must be patient. As with the last idiom I mentioned, that is the one most used. At least in my experience and hearing. However, I feel like the first one when dating. Like I am wasting my time with dating and socializing.

Now now not saying that it is all a waste of time or that I don't/haven't learned a lot in my dating years but the first and the last really ring true to me. So I will focus more on those two in regards to my view of time and dating.

Let me start off by saying that there is such a thing as a waste of time date. We have all been on one. It is the pity date or the I am not doing anything else so I should just say yes date. There is a sort of anxiousness that comes with wasting time. We wait for the him to call. We wait for her to return said call and say yes. Then we go out and there is all this conversation and time getting to know one another. Again let me reiterate not all of it is a waste of time and these steps are needed to grow in a relationship. However, what becomes a waste of time is when you get to a point on a date or in your dating/courtship where it hits the lull. The lull of do we continue or do we breakup. This time of indecision can be one of fierce self speculation and criticism. It also can be a waste of time if the two of you don't communicate.

So much time is wasted in relationships not communicating. Assuming what the other one wants in a relationship doesn't do any good. Take the time to have the DTR talk.  (Define the Relationship) If you are both honest in the conversation then no time would be wasted. But to fear what the rejection or even the acceptance is wasting energy and time that most of us at this age don't have. (OK I am pretty much meaning me.)

Save time and the relationship by being yourself and opening up when the time is right. Either way you can move forward and not waste time on something that is not what you want. You may want more in the relationship and by golly they may as well.

Moving on to the Lord's time. In past and recent conversations this has been brought up MANY MANY times to me. People want to encourage by saying that it didn't work out because it wasn't the Lord's time. Let me be frank....It hasn't worked out because I haven't listened to the Lord's timing. I'll be honest there have been times when I knew what the Lord's timing was for me but I was fearful that I wasn't ready. Do I kick myself, a little, but I now know that is isn't about his timing for me but for the two of us and I need to be alright with allowing His/his timing to be right.

Timing in dating the right person is tough and practically takes a miracle. It is more then just making time for a date but time for each other. Are you both open to a relationship? Has there been enough time to get over the last one and not drag it into a new one? I could go on and on but I think you all know what it takes to make a relationship get off the ground. When offered the suggestion/advice of waiting on the Lord's time, take a deep breath and remember that it is more then just your watch to take into consideration.

We All Struggle

A cloud has recently lifted from my mind and body. When I am sick I tend to mope around and think of all the awful things that go wrong when I am sick. It is like a domino affect in my body that trickles into my mind and spirit. I tend to feel sorry for myself and don't like to be around people because I know I am not my normally happy self.

This round of health problems was no different but what I have learned was. We all struggle.  I am sure you are saying "Well DUH SSS this is not news to us." Perhaps it isn't but I hope to maybe remind you of the different faces we each wear during our struggles.

I will use myself as the example of faces as I can only speak for myself.

Face One: Brave face. This is the face I put on for people who I know struggle with sympathy or empathy for others. I do it because I know they can't relate or really feel what I am going through. They usual have had perfect health most of their lives and rarely if at all lost a loved one close to them. I use it  not to manipulate them but to guard them from what they may not be comfortable with.

I also put this face on when things are really bad. When I know that if I put on any other face people will see right through me and know that I am not good. I tend to put on the Brave Face to hide how scared I am of what is going on in my life. I will break down if I don't put this face on. It may also be considered my Lying Face because I will lie straight through my teeth to keep the Brave Face on.

Face Two: Happy Face. My fake smile and light voice. Don't get me wrong I am happy but there is a difference between being happy and putting on the happy face. I put it on to hide the insecurities or to keep things upbeat even though I may want to smack someone upside the head. My Happy face that I put on is not genuine. Those who know me can tell when I am truly happy and when the Happy Face is on. It is my "I am happy because I need to be, not because I am."

Face Three: Depressed/Sad/Angry Face. This one is my death stare down face. It tells you that you best walk away now because you are either going to get a landslide of words or the death stare that will burn through your soul. ;) It is not one that I like on me but as of late it has been the one used the most. Which is not a good thing as I know it is not my natural way of being which makes this face stay around longer. It is like a never ending cycle. Within this face I have no sympathy or empathy for others. In face I could careless what is going on around me. I want to be in my own world left alone to my own devices. Which may include the following: Ice Cream, Writing, Crying, Moping, and Hide in a Hole.

Face Four: Sheer Joy Face. I love this face. This face shows that I am just happy and joyful with sunshine radiating from my eyes. It greets you with a smile or a hug that is genuine and kind.  I wish this face would come around more often as it is the one that helps me understand others as well. Even with this face there are still struggles but for whatever reason they don't weigh me down when I have this face. The clarity, love, and contentment that come with this face help me get through some of the other faces. This face feels sorrow, pain, joy, radiance, and sadness but is calm in the storm.

We all have our struggles and faces to get us through. I am sure we put on many faces a day, quickly changing from one to another. We hide ourselves from others because we may not want to burden others with our problems, or don't like talking with others about it, or the other myriad of reasons to hide behind our faces. To hide behind our struggles.

In one of my darkest moments recently a wise friend told me they would switch places with me in an instant. I was taken aback because I would have loved to. In this particular struggle of mine I wanted more time. More time on earth to be with family, friends, learn, love more, and just be in this physical existence more. While my friend was happy to switch places and leave this frail existence. Their struggle is a long life while mine may be a short one. I quickly felt sorrow for my narrow mindedness in not seeing how what I may consider a struggle another would consider a blessing.

We all struggle, we all put on our faces to get us through but perhaps I should add one more face to my collection.....
Another's Face: This one would understand and truly feel another's struggles. This face would also see myself through their eyes and realize the potential they see in me or the love they have for me.

Trouble of Men...they aren't trouble

PLEASE READ ALL THE WAY TO THE END!!!

In recent weeks there has been a lot of talk about how men are not up to snuff. How they need to do more and aren't living up to their potential or priesthood responsibility. (LDS term) This is mostly said in the singles wards I have attended or stories that have come from them. This saddens me every time I hear it.

I will give an example of a recent occurrence.
In a singles church meeting one of the leaders stood up to give a talk. He started easy enough saying how much he loved working with the single people of the church and how young it made him feel...even though I am pretty sure he was only 10 years older than most of the congregation. As he started his talk or at least the main topic he said "Now sisters this part isn't for you, it is for the brethren..." then proceeded to talk about how men need to be better because they are deviants for not being married. Stating that most men their age have a pornography problem or some other issues.

Now I am not saying that what he said isn't true or have fact based in it. What I am saying is that this is wrong. Why is he publically chastising the men? Because I can tell you from a woman's stand point all I heard in that talk is that I am right for being single because all of these men are not up to my standards. It validated my feelings of why I don't want to date. It completely helped my cause of justification in avoiding the dating scene. Now how did this help me or them....IT DIDN'T AT ALL.

These leaders and other speakers pander to the poor plight of the single woman. While railing the men on how they are not men. I am sorry but if I were a guy I would probably turn off my ears and perhaps not return to church. (That is just me and how I get though not encouraging this childish behavior)

A friend of mine recently pointed out that men are not 100% testosterone and women are not 100% estrogen. Therefore, why do we handle each other with that mentality? That men don't have feelings but to beat them like a horse until submission. While women are petted like a soft kitten. This is not helping what the real problems are. Understanding that individually we struggle. Women like a challenge and find it invigorating to rise up to it. While men do like to be spoken softly and kindly to.

I do not deserve sympathy over my male single friend just because I am female. We should be talked to and sympathized equally if at all.

Now before you go all huffy puffy on me ladies please hear this part out.

MEN need to be needed and loved just as a woman does. Perhaps not to the extent of women but they in their own way do. I am sure they appreciate simple gestures of understanding instead of the rolling of the eyes when you see them at a party instead of a date on a Saturday night. They get tired of asking girls on dates, just as we get tired of going on dates. (BAD DATES that is)

There is a lot both sexes could do to encourage and bring a more positive force into these kinds of conversations and talks.

Women - Stop thinking that you being single has everything to do with a  man....it doesn't. You are single because  you are single. Don't go eating bon-bon every night or bring your crochet to a meeting cause nothing applies to you. We have just as much of a responsibility to dating as men do. Our role is just different. No man wants to ask out the Gabby the Gossip or Bertha the Bitter. Find the positive in your life and expand upon it. Lift up the men and women around you. Encourage don't discourage girls to go out with a guy that you may like but he asked your friend out. It is a hard pill to swallow but sisters before misters is the wrong way of thinking. You want your sister to be happy...maybe she would be happy with that guy.

Men - Stop worrying about what a woman thinks. You can't read her mind so stop worrying about impressing her. Be yourself and ask a girl out. Do work on upping your game by being a better version of yourself. If you struggle with stuff work on figuring it out. Most women are kind and will be patient with you if you just talk to them. If you have a ton of girlfriends....ASK ONE OF THEM OUT. Obviously you know how to talk with that girl why not ask her on a date? I know heaven forbid friends become lovers but trust me that is the most lasting and truest relationship of all.

BOTH - Lift each other up in talking with, about, or around one another. Stop thinking you deserve someone better. Do talk to people of the opposite sex that you may actually have something in common with. (aka talk with those like minded not just the handsome/pretty ones)

I hope that we will stop nagging the men and talking bad about them in the congregational settings. It hurts me to see my fellowman be torn down in such a way and in such a public manner. So stop making those comments, stop making the mean jokes and just work on what you can...which is YOU!

Brass Tacks

It is hard to be honest in this world. We tend to hide from others due to judgment or that side ways glance that may come from telling them how you feel about something.

Well I am here to get down to Brass Tacks about why I love and loathe being single.
I may get random comments or the soft pat on the back that is for sympathy, heck I may even get a few choice words thrown my direction but I need to get a few things straight.

1. Just cause I am a single white female with short hair does not mean I like women. On more than a few occasions it has come to my attention that men like long flowing hair. Therefore short hair is unacceptable in a feminine woman. There seems to be some equation that a certain type of women ascribe to because they have short hair. I have short hair cause it is cute on me. More men who actually know me like my short hair as it is part of my spunky personality.

2. I love me time. This is one thing I cherish about being single. I am sometimes wasteful with my time I admit but I try to be productive and go above and beyond in ways to serve those around me.

3. It is hard to be alone. But I think sometimes it is harder for me to be with someone. I tend to keep people at an arms length because I don't want to hurt them or have them hurt. My parents constantly tell me that this is selfish and I agree. But try to picture watching someone watch you be in pain and can't help. Now picture doing that for a lifetime. I know it is completely selfish and yes some can handle it but it hurts me more to know that others cry, feel pain, or uselessness because of things beyond both our controls. (Speaking of a terminal disease if you haven't read previous posts.)

4. Losing control or allowing others control is not my best quality. After a particularly scary and albeit awful situation on a date I swore to myself that I would never allow someone to control me. Now granted I may have gone to some extremes in controlling and even forgot how to trust those I knew/know but it is easier to have control of my world then let others in.

5.  I love being an aunt. I love calling my nieces and nephews for birthdays. I look forward to the day when I will be able to take trips with them and do more things as they get older.

6.  I can be happy and sad being single. As with any stage in life there are ebbs and flows of emotion. I don't think that just because a person's marital status changes so does their happiness. We all have moments of reflection and struggle in our lives. There are also those peaceful happy joyous moments where you know how amazing your life is.

I guess what I am trying to say in this post is that it is time to be honest. We may love our lives but we don't always like it. We judge others even though we don't know them. (Judgment does not always imply negative)  We are trying to just survive the day most of the time. We look forward to the to do list being less, more money coming in, with all the time in the world to be with those we love. But it doesn't happen that way and that is alright. We move on to the next day looking for the opportunity to improve.  My way of thinking is this: If you don't like me then you don't know me. :)

Step Away from the Bitter Bug

It is the season of marriages. As much as I love dressing up and help a friend put a down payment on a house, it is a tough situation when you are left in the cold dead non-dating winter. What is worse is that you are extremely happy for them but you just wish you were the one with the dress and pretty shoes.

At times like this I tend to become a little bitter. Yes I admit I have a bitter bug inside me. It is not bitter toward anyone but the situation. What starts out as pure joy upon seeing a picture of a friend with her engagement ring can quickly turn into "Well if she can find someone..." pity party.

The slippery slope I quickly get on tends to take me to a not so happy place. A lot of self reflection/doubt occurs, or worse yet another binge with me and the Bunny Tracks ice cream fairies. All in all I think though I have realized a few things through my sugar induced coma or rant personal writings about how I can avoid the bitter bug of singlehood.

1.  I remind myself that the man she is marrying is her perfect match. Which means he and I would never have worked....not that I am ever interested in their fiancés. It is more of a if she can find someone to fit her then there must be a lid to fit my pot.

2.  I go out with my friends. Whether guys or girls I surround myself with people who make me smile. Why be a Debbie downer when you could just remember how awesome you are and that you have people who care about you. Even if your not married to one of them.

3.  I call my sisters. This may sound weird but I call one of my sisters and talk to her. Within the ten minute conversation she has had children come up and ask for this and that. She lists off the numerous chores, baking goods to make, lessons to teach, or how tired she is from trying to raise a house of kids. This is a reminder of how amazing I have it that I can sleep, eat, play, or do whatever whenever I want. (Please note that I am not looking down on my sisters but appreciating that I am not them.)

4.  I look at the picture of the happy couple and imagine that one day it will be me. Why not dwell on the positive of the situation and bask in the hope that one day it could be me. I run through the things I would want to do differently, that is to say my tastes in things are different than the bride to be. But to look at how happy a couple is at the cusp of their relationship you can't help but be excited for them.

Avoid the Bitter Bug that creeps up on you. Trust me it likes to eat at your soul with some lasting scars. Don't lose hope that you are perfectly situated in life. Use the bug spray you do have like friends, family, and a shopping spree ;-) to avoid what is out of your control. Step back to look at the AMAZING person you are and that one day you will find an AMAZING lid to your pot.

Dating Resume

Dating is like finding a job. To find a job you have to create a resume, go on interviews then sort through job offers or go back to the drawing board if there are none. So I figure if I really want to date someone or find an awesome companion then I need to start creating, going out, and suss through the options or non-options.
Obviously a dating resume like a job resume would list my accomplishments, show my education, skills, and history. But really we all can get to that at some point. What I would want my dating resume to list is the following:
 
My family is amazing, funny, and loving. Never a dull moment with this crazy bunch. Wouldn't trade them in for a barrel of monkeys.
 

I love to hike, bike, raft, fly like a bird...pretty much anything where I can be outside.

 

 

I love food. Not a bad cook but anytime I can sit around a table with people and get to know them is my idea of an awesome dinner. I put together a dinner club night once a month for the last 3 years. Love trying new places, food, and meeting new people.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I love, laugh, and live it up a lot. Life is short don't hold yourself back and to crazy on it's own to make it up.

One of my favorite things to do is to help others find love. It is a great faith and hope building seeing 2 people come together. Have made more than a few matches.

I am a kid at heart. A good roller coaster will make me laugh and make me a little giddy goofy.

There are many other things about me that could be written on a resume. All the accomplishments that the world may look at but I would sum myself up more in this way. I am not perfect but I do not feel that life has passed me by. I love being an aunt, a friend, a sister, a daughter, a Child of God. I could not ask for more of my life and look forward to the upcoming adventures whatever comes my way.
I don't need to be a supermodel or doctor to feel amazing. I just need to remind me who I am and why I am here. That is what is more important on my resume.

If you need more information you could always ask an ex. :)