Letting Go

Not being a mother I can only imagine the struggle it is to let children go. Let them go on the first day of school, drive their first car, leave for college and the most permanent letting go of the child getting married.

 

In recent days I have had to let go of some friendships. As a single person friendships are the most important thing to me. Whether it is the friendships I have formed with family members or friends it is always difficult to let go. Sometimes this is thought of as a negative thing. That one or the other in a friendship did something wrong and therefore that is why you are letting go. That is not the case at all.

 

What I have realized is that as a single person I hold on to tight to most of my friendships. At times it is inappropriate to keep in contact with someone who has moved on and gotten married or started dating someone. Also there are the friendships that evolve and are no longer beneficial but are more of a perfunctory relationship then anything else. The latter being usually with someone you have dated and have tried to remain friends because you get along so well.

 

No matter the reasoning for letting go of a relationship it is sometimes needed. It can be temporary or permanent depending on what you want to accomplish from it. It is however not easy for me to let go. As previously stated I hang on and cherish all the friendships in my life but when I see that it is not beneficial for myself because of my expectations of it or for them because I can tend to smother it is time to let go. Let go of my expectations of the friendship/relationship. There is also the part of me that gets lost in keeping them close. I put the relationship and friendships first. Being there for people is a big part of who I am but sometimes it is at the expense of losing who I am and my goals in life to be there for another. Again the balance of life is essential in maintaining who you are because they are friends because of that. If you lose yourself in the friendship you are doing yourself and them a disservice.

 

It seems to me that on a subconscious level I feel that I have failed when I can’t keep these relationships healthy and going. There is also hurt for me to let go of the possibilities of the friendship. Not that I use people but I do lean on people for love and support when needed as we all do. So what is the fine line and balance of such relationships where you don’t have to let go?

 

This is my conundrum this week. I let go of a few friendships because I felt that I lost myself along the road and put too much of who I am into their well-being. Even though I know it is not my responsibility but it is part of who I am. I talked with the people involved. (don’t let go without telling them…that’s just rude) But where it hurts and is difficult is that I care about these people. I want them to happy and find the success of their dreams. Perhaps I am too much an optimist that all is supposed to be perfect and remaining forever friends is always the case. Little does my poor ego know that it isn’t the case.

 

The biggest part of letting go process though is letting go of my grip on my expectations. People have agency, which is a blessing from God. Allowing them to use it is so hard. Again I refer back to the mother’s of the world. I couldn’t imagine seeing and letting go of a child as they make decisions for them self. You want them to have the best possible life with the world laid before them but letting go so they can step into it has got to be tough stuff. This is something that I don’t envy in my parents or my sisters. They have had to do this many times and my mere incidences with those I care about pale in comparison but to me the friends are my world and it hurts to let go and let them live without you.

Find Yourself Again

There comes a moment where you realize that you lost yourself along the road. You got weighed down by responsibilities and the day to day grind. As a single person I would think I would be less inclined to lose myself but that is not the case at all. So after a week like this one I was hit with a ton of bricks that read "SSS, you are crazy and are living life for other people. Where did you lose yourself too?"

Picking myself up after that was not easy. I had to let go of friendships and have honesty conversations with some of my family members. I hid a lot of who I was and what I was going through because I wanted to be there for everyone. Whether I was doing that for pride, selflessness, or just plain who I am, is the question I have been searching for the answer to the last few days.

To give a little insight into how this all went down I will share a story of what possibly happens to us....or what happened to me.

About 2 years ago I had a HORRIBLE experience in dating. From that experience I became bitter, resentful, and super controlling of my life. I didn't trust anyone and just kept going on pretending nothing happened and covering things up. There were a lot of people around me but I felt like I was hiding who I was. Which I think we all do to an extent. We hide because we fear not being accepted, or they might judge us, or that is none of anyone's business. ;) Well I hid myself for all these reasons. Throughout the course of the next 2 years I kept trying to find a relationship but never committing to anything. Afraid that I couldn't be honest to them or to myself.

I do not blame anyone for anything. Life is mostly made up of our own doing. We create what we create with the sprinkles of other people's choices dabbled on. I realized that I was growing my hair out not because I liked me with long hair but comments are constantly made about men loving women with long hair. I wasn't going to a singles ward because that is what everyone thought I should do to meet a man. I kept being friends with men I liked because we were such good friends and I didn't want to lose our friendship. On and on and on it goes until I lost myself completely. I lost my spunk, my sassy minx ways, and my genuine good heart.

Long story short my life all came to a head the last few days. I realized that I have missed out on some great relationships because I never told the guy what I thought of them or us. Never told them how I cared for them or that I would like to pursue a relationship. Instead I hid everything I was because I thought they would just come to that conclusion. FALSE!!! We can't read each others minds and thank goodness for that.

We lose ourselves because we portray what we think others need/want from us. It is not their fault it just happens. Until that day when you letting go of that false person is the only way to survive. So that is what I am doing. I am done pretending that things are happy go lucky. There are wonderful moments in life that make me giddy with happiness but there are also horrible and unfair things that happen. So it's time to find ourselves again and be honest about keeping to that. It is hard to do and we still we lose parts of ourselves for others but just remember to keep something for you.

For me it was cutting my hair, to what I love and makes me feel like me. It is going to the gym to start training for a half marathon so I can get off of medications. However, the most important thing I did to find myself was talk to my mother and tell her who I really am.

A single sassy sister who is trying to find a husband but doesn't trust men.

What Will It Take?

What will it take for us to see
The glorious person God wants us to be
We seem to get stuck in the thick of thin things
Instead of looking for the blessings he brings

What will it take for us to see
The glorious person God wants us to be
He wants us to create and live his way
But we get stuck in the day to day

What will it take for us to see
The glorious person God wants us to be
While wars rage on to bring freedoms crown
We put on our music and hang our heads down

The race we call life will one day end
It scares me to think that I will not win
I will stand all alone wanting to cry
Because I knew better and didn't even try

The blessings I gave up to party and play
I thought I  knew better than God's way
The fight seems so difficult at times it consumes
But there must be a way to get past all this glum

Do we even know or understand
That the Great God above has a plan
We lack faith in ourselves as well as each other
And tear down the good of our neighbor and brother

What's even worse is that we don't see
His hand in our lives that leads to our destiny
He guides in loving patient reproof
Yet I try to direct it and then I lose

I lose part of myself each wrong turn
Hoping and hoping that I will return
Return to that girl who once had faith
The faith to move mountains and felt his loving embrace

Do we give up and give into sin
Once we do Satan will surely win
He won't win our soul at least not at first
But little by little we become his reserve

Will it take lightning, death or disease
To quickly humble us and put us on our knees
Where will we stand when he comes once again
I hope I don't hide and bury my sins

But if I am prepared I shall not fear
But rejoice in the fact that he comes so near
Aren't you concerned about the state of your soul
Why do you not look for what makes it whole

It's not on a shelf to be borrowed or bought
But inside each other and should be sought
So look to each other for the best things to give
Because each of us needs to forgive

What will it take for us to become
That glorious person in heaven above
We need to let go and trust in our God
That he know us all and helps us through love

Knight in Shining Armor

As a woman I have watched many an hour of Disney princesses, romantic comedies, and the all too real love stories. I used to dream about my future husband and the characteristics I wanted in him. They consisted of both mental and physical things. Then I grew up and realized that the knight in shining armor or boy riding up on the motorcycle for a rescue does not exist. Nor would I want him to.

Let me explain why I don't want a knight in shining armor. He has NEVER seen battle. If he is riding up on a perfectly quaffed stallion with gleaming armor he doesn't know what life is. We say we want to be rescued or to be swept off our feet but really it becomes more of a knock you off your feet in a kind of dumbfounded way. Going from the strong independent woman to the need a man kind always throws me for a loop. Why can't they just continue in their lives the same way, just working together?

I have experienced and been through a lot in life. I would expect the same thing in a companion. Is he perfect... NOPE because I am not perfect. I don't always have myself put together. Often I am seen with my shoes half put on with an apple in my mouth digging for my keys in the morning. There is a part of us we would all like to hide or keep secret and sometimes that should be the case but on the whole the experiences and struggles in life have made us who we are. We all get sick, we have all sinned, we have all struggled, we have all had successes. They have each shaped and left a mark on our armor, which is not a bad thing.

Picture with me for a moment the story of Snow White. She had to runaway from the huntsman, get along with 7 dwarfs, cook, clean and all the time look over her shoulder for a woman who wanted her dead. While on the other hand we know very little about Prince Charming. (Not talking about Once Upon a Time show guy but the original Disney story.) We don't see his struggles to find her really. We see him all nice and clean opening the casket and kissing her to wake her up. Then riding off into the sunset on a beautiful white horse. There is no mud tracks on his clothing or horse. There is no hint of him working to find her. Just that he found her and kissed her and they lived happily ever after. This is probably one of the reason's I prefer Sleeping Beauty to Snow White. Prince Phillip fights the dragon and climbs a tower. aka works to wake Aurora.

So why do I not like this story? I don't like it because it makes me mad that after all Snow White did to fend off a witch and the huntsman, the man comes in and kisses her and all is well. Don't get me wrong I like a good kiss and like a guy to be there for me but it doesn't reflect on the reality of what it takes to get a "Happily Ever After." Did their problems end when they rode off? Was there a castle waiting with servants and easy street? Who knows.  All we can do is make conclusions.

For me I want a Knight in battered and rust colored armor. A person who has taken what life has given them and worked at what they wanted to create. Someone who is shaped by the war of life because he will understand why I am the way I am. It is all about understanding what got us to the point of meeting one another.

Men and women who come out smelling like roses at the end of the day never put their hands in the garden. They lightly touched the rose and smelled it but didn't work to grow it.

Is Timing Everything?

Time is something that is one of the mysteries of this life for me. There are minutes that seem like hours and years that seem like a blink of the eye. We all only have 24 hours in a day and yet it isn't the same amount every day. Anyone who knows me knows how I am about my clocks and being on time to things. I don't like to waste my time or anyone else's. It has caused a few tense conversations with friends and guys. I was raised to respect people's time and perhaps I take it to an extreme. In recent weeks time has been weighing on my mind so I did a little research on the idioms we often use regarding time.
Here are a few that stuck out to me.

Waste of Time
On time
Out of Time
It's About Time
What Time is it?
Time is on your side
No time like the present
Time flies when you are having fun
Time waits for no one
Right on time
Perfect timing
All in good time
It's all in the Lord's time

Many can be used in funny dating sayings or conversations but when it comes to actual dating it is usually used as a way to describe how we must be patient. As with the last idiom I mentioned, that is the one most used. At least in my experience and hearing. However, I feel like the first one when dating. Like I am wasting my time with dating and socializing.

Now now not saying that it is all a waste of time or that I don't/haven't learned a lot in my dating years but the first and the last really ring true to me. So I will focus more on those two in regards to my view of time and dating.

Let me start off by saying that there is such a thing as a waste of time date. We have all been on one. It is the pity date or the I am not doing anything else so I should just say yes date. There is a sort of anxiousness that comes with wasting time. We wait for the him to call. We wait for her to return said call and say yes. Then we go out and there is all this conversation and time getting to know one another. Again let me reiterate not all of it is a waste of time and these steps are needed to grow in a relationship. However, what becomes a waste of time is when you get to a point on a date or in your dating/courtship where it hits the lull. The lull of do we continue or do we breakup. This time of indecision can be one of fierce self speculation and criticism. It also can be a waste of time if the two of you don't communicate.

So much time is wasted in relationships not communicating. Assuming what the other one wants in a relationship doesn't do any good. Take the time to have the DTR talk.  (Define the Relationship) If you are both honest in the conversation then no time would be wasted. But to fear what the rejection or even the acceptance is wasting energy and time that most of us at this age don't have. (OK I am pretty much meaning me.)

Save time and the relationship by being yourself and opening up when the time is right. Either way you can move forward and not waste time on something that is not what you want. You may want more in the relationship and by golly they may as well.

Moving on to the Lord's time. In past and recent conversations this has been brought up MANY MANY times to me. People want to encourage by saying that it didn't work out because it wasn't the Lord's time. Let me be frank....It hasn't worked out because I haven't listened to the Lord's timing. I'll be honest there have been times when I knew what the Lord's timing was for me but I was fearful that I wasn't ready. Do I kick myself, a little, but I now know that is isn't about his timing for me but for the two of us and I need to be alright with allowing His/his timing to be right.

Timing in dating the right person is tough and practically takes a miracle. It is more then just making time for a date but time for each other. Are you both open to a relationship? Has there been enough time to get over the last one and not drag it into a new one? I could go on and on but I think you all know what it takes to make a relationship get off the ground. When offered the suggestion/advice of waiting on the Lord's time, take a deep breath and remember that it is more then just your watch to take into consideration.

We All Struggle

A cloud has recently lifted from my mind and body. When I am sick I tend to mope around and think of all the awful things that go wrong when I am sick. It is like a domino affect in my body that trickles into my mind and spirit. I tend to feel sorry for myself and don't like to be around people because I know I am not my normally happy self.

This round of health problems was no different but what I have learned was. We all struggle.  I am sure you are saying "Well DUH SSS this is not news to us." Perhaps it isn't but I hope to maybe remind you of the different faces we each wear during our struggles.

I will use myself as the example of faces as I can only speak for myself.

Face One: Brave face. This is the face I put on for people who I know struggle with sympathy or empathy for others. I do it because I know they can't relate or really feel what I am going through. They usual have had perfect health most of their lives and rarely if at all lost a loved one close to them. I use it  not to manipulate them but to guard them from what they may not be comfortable with.

I also put this face on when things are really bad. When I know that if I put on any other face people will see right through me and know that I am not good. I tend to put on the Brave Face to hide how scared I am of what is going on in my life. I will break down if I don't put this face on. It may also be considered my Lying Face because I will lie straight through my teeth to keep the Brave Face on.

Face Two: Happy Face. My fake smile and light voice. Don't get me wrong I am happy but there is a difference between being happy and putting on the happy face. I put it on to hide the insecurities or to keep things upbeat even though I may want to smack someone upside the head. My Happy face that I put on is not genuine. Those who know me can tell when I am truly happy and when the Happy Face is on. It is my "I am happy because I need to be, not because I am."

Face Three: Depressed/Sad/Angry Face. This one is my death stare down face. It tells you that you best walk away now because you are either going to get a landslide of words or the death stare that will burn through your soul. ;) It is not one that I like on me but as of late it has been the one used the most. Which is not a good thing as I know it is not my natural way of being which makes this face stay around longer. It is like a never ending cycle. Within this face I have no sympathy or empathy for others. In face I could careless what is going on around me. I want to be in my own world left alone to my own devices. Which may include the following: Ice Cream, Writing, Crying, Moping, and Hide in a Hole.

Face Four: Sheer Joy Face. I love this face. This face shows that I am just happy and joyful with sunshine radiating from my eyes. It greets you with a smile or a hug that is genuine and kind.  I wish this face would come around more often as it is the one that helps me understand others as well. Even with this face there are still struggles but for whatever reason they don't weigh me down when I have this face. The clarity, love, and contentment that come with this face help me get through some of the other faces. This face feels sorrow, pain, joy, radiance, and sadness but is calm in the storm.

We all have our struggles and faces to get us through. I am sure we put on many faces a day, quickly changing from one to another. We hide ourselves from others because we may not want to burden others with our problems, or don't like talking with others about it, or the other myriad of reasons to hide behind our faces. To hide behind our struggles.

In one of my darkest moments recently a wise friend told me they would switch places with me in an instant. I was taken aback because I would have loved to. In this particular struggle of mine I wanted more time. More time on earth to be with family, friends, learn, love more, and just be in this physical existence more. While my friend was happy to switch places and leave this frail existence. Their struggle is a long life while mine may be a short one. I quickly felt sorrow for my narrow mindedness in not seeing how what I may consider a struggle another would consider a blessing.

We all struggle, we all put on our faces to get us through but perhaps I should add one more face to my collection.....
Another's Face: This one would understand and truly feel another's struggles. This face would also see myself through their eyes and realize the potential they see in me or the love they have for me.

Trouble of Men...they aren't trouble

PLEASE READ ALL THE WAY TO THE END!!!

In recent weeks there has been a lot of talk about how men are not up to snuff. How they need to do more and aren't living up to their potential or priesthood responsibility. (LDS term) This is mostly said in the singles wards I have attended or stories that have come from them. This saddens me every time I hear it.

I will give an example of a recent occurrence.
In a singles church meeting one of the leaders stood up to give a talk. He started easy enough saying how much he loved working with the single people of the church and how young it made him feel...even though I am pretty sure he was only 10 years older than most of the congregation. As he started his talk or at least the main topic he said "Now sisters this part isn't for you, it is for the brethren..." then proceeded to talk about how men need to be better because they are deviants for not being married. Stating that most men their age have a pornography problem or some other issues.

Now I am not saying that what he said isn't true or have fact based in it. What I am saying is that this is wrong. Why is he publically chastising the men? Because I can tell you from a woman's stand point all I heard in that talk is that I am right for being single because all of these men are not up to my standards. It validated my feelings of why I don't want to date. It completely helped my cause of justification in avoiding the dating scene. Now how did this help me or them....IT DIDN'T AT ALL.

These leaders and other speakers pander to the poor plight of the single woman. While railing the men on how they are not men. I am sorry but if I were a guy I would probably turn off my ears and perhaps not return to church. (That is just me and how I get though not encouraging this childish behavior)

A friend of mine recently pointed out that men are not 100% testosterone and women are not 100% estrogen. Therefore, why do we handle each other with that mentality? That men don't have feelings but to beat them like a horse until submission. While women are petted like a soft kitten. This is not helping what the real problems are. Understanding that individually we struggle. Women like a challenge and find it invigorating to rise up to it. While men do like to be spoken softly and kindly to.

I do not deserve sympathy over my male single friend just because I am female. We should be talked to and sympathized equally if at all.

Now before you go all huffy puffy on me ladies please hear this part out.

MEN need to be needed and loved just as a woman does. Perhaps not to the extent of women but they in their own way do. I am sure they appreciate simple gestures of understanding instead of the rolling of the eyes when you see them at a party instead of a date on a Saturday night. They get tired of asking girls on dates, just as we get tired of going on dates. (BAD DATES that is)

There is a lot both sexes could do to encourage and bring a more positive force into these kinds of conversations and talks.

Women - Stop thinking that you being single has everything to do with a  man....it doesn't. You are single because  you are single. Don't go eating bon-bon every night or bring your crochet to a meeting cause nothing applies to you. We have just as much of a responsibility to dating as men do. Our role is just different. No man wants to ask out the Gabby the Gossip or Bertha the Bitter. Find the positive in your life and expand upon it. Lift up the men and women around you. Encourage don't discourage girls to go out with a guy that you may like but he asked your friend out. It is a hard pill to swallow but sisters before misters is the wrong way of thinking. You want your sister to be happy...maybe she would be happy with that guy.

Men - Stop worrying about what a woman thinks. You can't read her mind so stop worrying about impressing her. Be yourself and ask a girl out. Do work on upping your game by being a better version of yourself. If you struggle with stuff work on figuring it out. Most women are kind and will be patient with you if you just talk to them. If you have a ton of girlfriends....ASK ONE OF THEM OUT. Obviously you know how to talk with that girl why not ask her on a date? I know heaven forbid friends become lovers but trust me that is the most lasting and truest relationship of all.

BOTH - Lift each other up in talking with, about, or around one another. Stop thinking you deserve someone better. Do talk to people of the opposite sex that you may actually have something in common with. (aka talk with those like minded not just the handsome/pretty ones)

I hope that we will stop nagging the men and talking bad about them in the congregational settings. It hurts me to see my fellowman be torn down in such a way and in such a public manner. So stop making those comments, stop making the mean jokes and just work on what you can...which is YOU!