Girl Friend Advice

Through the years I have given more than my 2 cents to both my guy friends and girl friends about dating. They ask me what I think of someone they are interested in and I tell them. This has proved to be a double edge sword in a lot of ways. On the one hand I have helped people realize what they want but on the other I have hurt friendship over it. (Cause the person in question proved me wrong...which isn't a bad thing)
This situation happened recently heck it happens weekly but one particular situation made me stop and evaluate if I am really doing more harm than good.

A guy friend (who I have dated) was talking about this girl he was interested in. I have only met her a handful of times but felt that I knew somewhat of the person she was like. There is a reason the word stereotype exists. I wish it didn't and there weren't but they are and they do.

Anyway, he was telling me of his concerns and his interest in this girl and of course I chimed in with a little comment. Nothing forthcoming of my opinion but just that I think it was great that he was interested and pursuing a girl. He then asked me what I thought of her. I was ready to start the retort when I just got a sick pit in my stomach. So I erased my response and told him that I think it is a good thing that he is getting to know this girl.

I realized that I was totally seeing this girl how I wanted to see her. Perhaps there was a hint of jealous or perhaps there was fear of him getting hurt or all of the above but I wanted to step away from the topic because it is not a good position to be in talking of others. Yes do I think there are red flags or green flags from this possible relationship....duh but it is not my place to save him from living out the relationship.

We with all our good intentions tend to want to warn people of danger. Relationships especially. We don't want our friends to suffer or go through what may be a train wreck of emotions but we need to let them. If there were or is a MAJOR problem I would tell him. But it does me no good to put my nose in where it doesn't belong even if asked.

So I have come up with some guidelines that people should at when going into a relationship that I would give anyone including myself.

Things to look at when wanting to date a girl:
1. Does she have more than one girlfriend? This may seem strange but it tells a lot about a girl with what company she keeps and if she can get along with others. Sure there are a few exceptions to the rule like my sister who is extremely shy but she has her sisters as her best friends.
2. Are their more guy friends than girl friends in her life? Again huge indicator of relationships. I am a big tomboy at heart but I also know that I can't keep my guy friends forever. When guys are all I hang out with it becomes messy. There is at some point "tension" if you know what I mean. Or I am seeking attention or validation from men. Again this is just what I see and have experienced.
3. How is she around kids? Whether her own or others it is a big deal with how she treats them. Some women are not of a motherly instinct which is fine but if a woman puts her needs before her children that is just not OK. Patience with kids is tough stuff and I can only imagine what it is like to be a mom but I see good moms who put their kids first even when they are running around like a chicken screaming at the top of their lungs.

Things to look at when wanting to date a guy:
1. Does he have more girlfriends than guy friends? This one is a big one in my opinion because I know that if he has a lot of girlfriends a lot of them like him and I am not about to join the throng. With guys who just hang out with girls it is difficult to discern his feelings for you. Cause let me tell you he may be a player, a mamma's boy, or doesn't know how to be one of the guys. Again just from my perspective.
2. How is he when playing sports? I am one competitive cookie but I also believe in good sportsmanship. There is difference in winning and losing yourself. If he can't handle the guy guarding him while wanting to take a shot most likely he doesn't know how to handle stressful situations without elbows or words being thrown.
3. What does he do in his spare time? If he likes to play video games great you better like it to or be able to put up with it. If he goes to the gym for 4 hours or plays basketball with the guys again you better be ok with it. Men are not like women in wanting to do service and talk with their girlfriends on the phone for hours. So when looking at dating a guy make sure you are ok with his extracurricular activities because on more than one occasion I have seen this be a crux in a relationship.

My whole point of this post is two-fold.
1. Don't voice your opinion all the time even when asked it can come back to bite you in the butt. Make you look like the bad guy or petty fool. I may have the best of intentions but trust me it is not my place to pass judgment or have them hear my voice on someone else's relationship.
2. Look for the good and bad signs. Know that at this stage in the game their main characteristics aren't changing much. So make sure they are ones that you can respect and enjoy.

Entitlement Dating

I am sure I have written a previous post that is similar to this but the topic came up again recently in conversation I had with a guy friend.

We were comparing our social outings and recent dating stories. I crack up every time I talk to him because of the perspective he brings. Well this time he did not disappoint and with his permission I am sharing our conversation.

I started off with the why it is difficult and frustrating to date LDS (Mormon) men. Here was my quick list of struggles.

1. They feel that every girl should know how to cook, clean, sew, play an instrument or sing, and stay a size 2 with a cute figure of Barbie.
2. We should be grateful that they even asked us out because otherwise we would be sitting at home with our bon bons and wallowing.
3. It is easier to date an atheist than a LDS guy. This is a point I brought up with a recent dating experience. There were no expectations from the atheist guy. Sure the big elephant in the room was that I believe in God and he doesn’t but beyond that we had a great time. It was all about getting to know each other. Not comparing notes of who we know or going through a list of questions that tend to follow on an LDS date.
4. LDS men feel they have the right to date up. Yes you want to date someone that makes you want to be better but perhaps at the cost of the other losing a little of themselves. We all know how this works and it is usually put on a physical 1 to 10 scale. My scale is 1 to 10 but it isn’t about what the guy looks like.

So after I was able to air my dating grievances he shared with me his on dating LDS women. I will put his reply in quatations as I think it is much better as such without the numbered list.

"hhmm see I would think the opposite as it's Mormon women who I think are entitled.
But that's just my opinion and perspective.
Sure you're a daughter of God of great worth but then again by that definition so is every female on the planet.
Why are you special again?
What are you doing with your life?
Oh yeah nothing?
So you're pretty much capable of procreation and that's it...yeah pass.
But somehow you're fulfilling your diving mission to have a uterus and doing nothing else with your life again....pass."

I will be honest the first time I read his reply I gawked. I mean how dare he say that because I don’t think that at all. Then it hit me….we all think like this. We all feel we have something to bring to the table of a relationship that no one else can. This is true to an extent. I think where the hang up really is that we expect something from God, universe, karma whatever you call it because we have worked for who we are and what we have.

By definition Entitlement is: Belief that one is deserving of or entitled to certain privileges. In the case of the LDS culture we call it blessings. Because we have done A, B, C God must give us D. In some cases this is true and there are natural laws at play with that theory. However, when it comes to dating, eternal mate selection, and the big choices God wants us to rely on ourselves. Yes we have worked for ABC but that should help us see the answer of D not expect it to be given to us.

To let go of foolish traditions of what I think/want/worked for/deserve in my eternal companion is the hardest thing to do. I do have expectations from God and from myself in what I get out of this life but I can’t put those expectations on others. I am no more special than the next girl or guy because we are all children of God and should look at each other as such. Not as a prize that we deserve because we followed ABC.

***As a post-script I do want to add that I never mean offense in my writings. This is just what I see in my world and how I feel.*** 

Who has It Easier?

When it comes to dating there is sometime the unfortunate break-up. In recent months I have realized that this is my least favorite part. It just stinks.

There are varying reasons and excuses given when breaking up.
"It's not you it's me."
"I am just not in a good place in my life."
"I don't want to be in a committed relationship." Turn around and married in 3 months.
"I want someone like you." Married someone polar opposite of me and what he said he was looking for.
"I feel like I will run you over and control your life " Yes I have actually used this one. Long story

Everyone thinks that break-up is the hard part but it isn't. It is the getting back out there part that is a bear
You have to start all over in a lot of ways. If you have been in a relationship longer than 3 months the likely hood of you still keeping in touch with your friends  is minimal. You have spent most of your free time with your partner. Things outside of a relationship slip. (My laundry is the first to suffer)

But getting back out their seems to be easier for some than others. I am not one that it is easy for but apparently for any and all of my exes it is easy for them. They tend to find a new girlfriend withing a week of us stopping our relationship. Why is this?

I am not blaming guys so please do not think that this is finger pointing time but  more of a why is it easier for for some while I am still sitting here with my thumbs tied behind my back it seems?

I have 2 theories about this and I may be absolutely wrong but this is just what I think and see.

1. Men can ask a woman out quicker than men can find out than a girl broke up with her boyfriend. I am an old fashion girl when it comes to who asks whom out. I have never had a relationship even remotely work out where I asked the guy out on a date. Did it once and never again.
Is this a reason why? I mean guys bounce back or want to move forward while women want to dwell and fix before moving on. again theoretical here.

...or is it because

2. Women tend to have a more supportive group around them to buoy them up or go through the "grieving " process with them. While men tend to not like being alone and want to move onto greener pastures.

This is all from my own limited perspective. I sit here and see more than one ex move happily ever after with their life while I am still trudging mud waiting for the guy to notice me that I sit by at church or talk to at the gym. Don't get me wrong there are many reasons why my relationships and many others haven't worked out. I do not begrudge the men in my life who have moved on and in most cases I am truly happy for them finding someone they love. But I still think it is easier for them to move onto the next relationship than it is is for me.

What are all your thoughts on this? Truly I need some perspective on this one. This is from a single sassy sister who doesn't have a lot of male friends that will be truthful with her.

Attack on Women

Lately in the news I hear this phrase thrown around in most stories that involve women's rights. It is an "Attack on Women" because their employer won't offer birth control or can't wear pants to church etc. Well as a woman I would like to address this.

I love being a woman. I am often reminded of the song "I enjoy Being a Girl" from Flower Drum Song musical. Is it tough and is a lot expected or wanted from us...YES!! But there are certain perks to being a girl. I often get drinks or food paid for, doors opened for me, a protective arm around me on a slippery side walk, a coat offered on a cold day, or get out of traffic tickets cause of tears. (which I have only used once and they came without my control.)

Some women may see these things as being reliant or setting women back but I see it as allowing someone to do something for me. Men are not naturally giving creatures so when they do these things I am sure to be appreciative and grateful for these gestures. I do not feel that it demeans my own ability to do them just that I am allowing them to serve me.

When it comes to the work place there is also a lot thrown around that women get the raw end of the deal in the work place. I  this regard I do agree. We women in the workforce have to be stronger and honestly a little mean because we tend to not be taken seriously. I on more than one occasion have noticed that women who are higher in a company tend to be more aggressive. Not saying that a nice soft woman can't run a company but they tend to not be able to get far if they are. I am lucky in the regard that I work with all men and am highly regarded and respected for my opinion. It did however take me a long time to find a company where this occurred  There have been positions in my past where the man in charge has looked down or spoken down to me versus my male counterpart. This hurts and is a bit stressful but I found out that it is there small minded thinking that made them so. The glass ceiling is there in some companies but I feel that on the whole it is much better.

I do not feel that my employer has to provide me with certain things just cause I am a woman. Its a privilege to have a job. There is no sense of entitlement or expectation to have things because of it. I provide for myself. Not my employers job to provide for my personal choices outside of work. aka birth control. I do not want to push my agenda over their own consciousnesses. Luckily however my health insurance is covered by this.

I have other opinions about this but perhaps another time I will discuss it.

Then there is the home. Recently in a Sunday school discussion there was some much heated debate on the roles of parents. Who does what? Who leads the family? etc. I was brought up in a stay at home mom environment. My parents were lucky that way in they found a way to make it work for them. My mother did however find a job once all her children were in school. Again luckily it was with the school district so we all had the same hours. I was rarely at home by myself. She was also my softball coach, cheerleading coach, and church leader. Was it tough at times to have her constantly around yes but I always had her support.

I have sisters who have chosen to stay at home and home school their children. I also have sisters who have chosen to go back to school to enter the work force. Do I think either or is right or wrong? No They are doing what they feel is right for them. They are not better or worse nor attacked because of their choices. They are all smart, driven, and contributing members of society. Just all in different ways.

Please know that I grew up in a house of mostly women. I did the cleaning and the yard. I was taught how to drive, change the oil, fix plumbing, sew, knit, cook and many more things. But just because I can do all these things doesn't mean I want to. I like when I can call a guy friend and have him come fix something. Call me a 1950's woman or whatever but I just prefer to give men a chance to serve. Push comes to shove though lets be honest half the time I do it myself. I moved myself more than once...loading and unloading a truck. 

There is so much more to this topic including roles in the home itself, but again another time.

What I am trying to get across is that we shouldn't look at it as an attack on women but on society. Women and children are the ones that lose in wars, domestic violence, and in most care. This I don't dispute at all. It saddens me and breaks my heart that this is the casualty of being here on earth. I wish men were softer and understood their consequences of attitude, aggression, and war but perhaps that is why there is women...to balance it out. Why be like men? There are enough of them in this world. Be women who are strong, caring, and women who can change the world in no way that a man can.

Can Men and Women Be "Just Friends?"

Recently I found on YouTube a video of college kids going around asking each other if boys and girls can just be friends. I was laughing so hard listening to the answers. For one it was a campus that has a high population of LDS/Mormons attending...and no it wasn't BYU. But what was cracking me up even more is how the girls were all sweet and innocent thinking that they can just hang out with their guy friends and all is well in the world. 

Whereas the guys were saying no. I am sorry sisters of the single life but those guys were totally right. It takes a lot to build a friendship and it is hard to let it go but let me just say from experience that guys and girls can be friends but not forever. Why you ask? Well let me just tell you how it plays out.

1. At some one if not both of you will wonder in your head if the other person likes you more than just a friend. You/They will think "We have such a great time together could there be more?" Unfortunately this mainly applies to the women of the friendship. We think this because we tend to go for a guys personality more than anything and through friendship we tend to find men more attractive as we get to know them.

2. Men are hormonal. Don't get me wrong women are too but lets be honest here they are going to think at some point "Is she a good kisser?" And I am keeping this PG but you get the idea. They are attracted to the physical and if one of their girl friends just so happens to look extra cute one day that is what will run through their mind. But it doesn't go past that...they aren't thinking long term here ladies. They just think you are cute, hot, sexy, or whatever for that minute and wonder what it would be like to be a little physical with you. 

3. I have had my fair share of guy friends. They are great and hopefully they all know that I wouldn't change them for the world but to say I hadn't looked at each of them as a potential mate would be a lie. There I said it...HUGE confession there. Most of them never ever went past that thought but truly it went through my head at some point or another within the beginnings of getting to know them. Most women can't separate from this thought and keep looking for that potential. I on the other hand see their potential and try to set them up with someone who I think would be a great fit. (A thorn in my poor parents side...their daughter the match maker of everyone else but herself.)

4. There are occasions where men and women can be friends. I am good friends with a few of my ex-boyfriends but it took and still to this day takes A LOT of communication and going over boundaries and making sure we were on the same page and not reading into anything. So it can be done but trust me it takes a very honest and true friendship in order for this to work. Most of the time it just explodes and sadly it is usually the women who end up a little battered and torn because we naturally take on the situation ourselves.

At the end of the day when thinking about my guy friends/boyfriends I say to myself "Could I live without this person?" In the end we truly only have one eternal and true friend. Don't feel bad if you don't stay friends with those guys or girls. You didn't date for a reason and hopefully they will find someone that make them happy. Men and women can be friends but trust me at some point your relationship will change. You can't stay friends forever with all those cute guys. Also guys you can't keep hanging out with those girls thinking that they are just fine with how things are...cause they probably dying a little inside when you ask someone else out on a date but hang out with them on a weeknight. Just sayin!!!

Here is the link to the video...please watch it is funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_lh5fR4DMA

Beautiful Creature

There seems to be a common misconception that women want to be men. Well I don't know about everyone else but this woman does not by any means, way, or inclination to be like a man. I love being a woman and the femininity of being such.

Don't get me wrong I am grateful for those who fought for women rights but I don't think all of them wanted to turn into men or be like a man. Men are gruff, built to work, and to provide. Women are soft, curvy, loving, kind, and caring. Why is it we work so hard to be like men?

One of my sister's and I were discussing the essential characteristic of women and the roles that they play in the world. So here is a list of thoughts that derived from that conversation. ****Please note that these are all opinion with no research or fact in them.****

1.  Women need to be in the home. Does this mean they can't work outside or inside the home? NO Just that the essential rock of a good family is the mother and wife being in the home. This can vary in so many ways. I have friends who love their children to no end but can't handle staying home. Are they bad women or mothers no but they recognize what they can provide of their best selves. Their children or husband do not suffer because she doesn't stay home 24/7 but they thrive because she is happy and loving to them. On the flip side some of my sisters home-school their children and are with them 24/7 because that is what they feel they need to do. It is all about participating in the home. God created us to bear children and raise them. Therefore, he knows what we can handle and can help us find the right way to do so for us.

2.  Women want to help. Most women want to help change the world. Many have taken this to mean it can only be done in a work environment. I don't agree. There are many ways to change the world and it is not limited to home or career. Allow your natural abilities to guide on this one.

3.  I have worked for many many years in corporations, non-profits, and small home based businesses. In this time I have noticed that most women who are high up or striving to break the glass ceiling are unhappy. They are not nice to other women and tend to talk negatively about men. I didn't want to be like that. I have made an effort to not be mean or rough when seeking a promotion at work. "Kill them with kindness" as the old adage says. Trust me I am a much better person to deal with when I don't pull out the forceful SSS.


There is so much more to this post that I want to write but I think this quote sums my feelings up best:

"Women of God can never be like women of the world. 

The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. 

There are enough women who are course; we need women who are kind. 

There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined. 

We have enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith. 

We have enough greed; we need more goodness. 

We have enough vanity; we need virtue. 

We have enough popularity; we need more purity." Margaret Nadauld

Don't make yourself smaller or less of a person to make a man feel bigger but don't take away from their roles and characteristics as well. God created 2 distinct sexes. I am working very hard on appreciating and recognizing the difference between the sexes.

***The only thing that I wish we were more like men is in their strength mainly because women and children are always the biggest causalities in wars and violence. I would like to be able to defend myself a little better is all.***

Beginnings of Dating

It is always a bit of a precarious thing when you start dating someone. Learning how the other person communicates, pet peeves of theirs or yours of them, idiosyncrasies of each other, and so on. It is just one big learning process. One of the biggest challenges for me in the beginning is the scheduling of time. I am not a girl who likes things from people I like time. Because memories to me are more precious and worth so much more than a trinket. However, my time is valuable as everyone's is and it is difficult to work someone into my life.

I have been accused by many a man of having too booked of a schedule. "Why would I want to date you if you aren't going to make time for me?" This often causes some contention between my family and I because they know that I keep busy to stay out of trouble and productive but they also see that it has hurt my dating life.

Well fear not family I have learned a few tricks to the trade on this go around that I thought I would share. To help see the growth and flexibility that I have made in my life.

1.  Find someone who has their own life. Granted you will mesh schedules and lives together eventually but lets be honest at the beginning of a relationship you don't want to give up everything if it isn't going to work out. (Eggs in one basket concept)

2.  Communicate that you want to spend time with them. Don't just assume that they will call and ask you on a date. You have to tell them. Otherwise they will think that you aren't making time for them. I have found that by talking it out and reviewing our schedules things go much smoother.

3.  Girlfriends will understand. I have wonderful girlfriends and they know that I will forgive them for missing a party if it is for a guy. Why would I get mad at them for pursuing a guy? I wouldn't so they don't either. With the holidays there are tons of parties to keep me busy but all my girls know that I love them but if he calls me up for a night when there is a party I will go out with him before them.

4.  Not the end of the world if it doesn't work out. Don't lose hope or yourself if the relationship doesn't last. I have spent far too many tears and hours analyzing what went wrong. No more though. Keep a healthy perspective about it all. Just because you were not the lid to his pot doesn't mean you are a bad person or missing something. Don't beat yourself up over it.

5.  Last but not least at all. Be ready to fall in love. Keeping busy has done a lot for helping me progress in other ways but has blocked me from falling in love in others. Making time for love is huge but be ready to give up time for it is something that I wasn't prepared for. Being ready doesn't mean you have to have A - Z done but that you are ready to make the adjustments.

Dating will always be something that is a struggle but at the beginning of dating someone don't worry about the list. Enjoy the little nuances of being in a relationship. The first hand hold, kiss, friend meeting, and so many more things. You won't be able to get those things back. Don't push along to the end cause you want the result (whether good or bad) but, enjoy the beginning because it may be your last beginning.