Thursday, April 11, 2013

Girl Friend Advice

Through the years I have given more than my 2 cents to both my guy friends and girl friends about dating. They ask me what I think of someone they are interested in and I tell them. This has proved to be a double edge sword in a lot of ways. On the one hand I have helped people realize what they want but on the other I have hurt friendship over it. (Cause the person in question proved me wrong...which isn't a bad thing)
This situation happened recently heck it happens weekly but one particular situation made me stop and evaluate if I am really doing more harm than good.

A guy friend (who I have dated) was talking about this girl he was interested in. I have only met her a handful of times but felt that I knew somewhat of the person she was like. There is a reason the word stereotype exists. I wish it didn't and there weren't but they are and they do.

Anyway, he was telling me of his concerns and his interest in this girl and of course I chimed in with a little comment. Nothing forthcoming of my opinion but just that I think it was great that he was interested and pursuing a girl. He then asked me what I thought of her. I was ready to start the retort when I just got a sick pit in my stomach. So I erased my response and told him that I think it is a good thing that he is getting to know this girl.

I realized that I was totally seeing this girl how I wanted to see her. Perhaps there was a hint of jealous or perhaps there was fear of him getting hurt or all of the above but I wanted to step away from the topic because it is not a good position to be in talking of others. Yes do I think there are red flags or green flags from this possible relationship....duh but it is not my place to save him from living out the relationship.

We with all our good intentions tend to want to warn people of danger. Relationships especially. We don't want our friends to suffer or go through what may be a train wreck of emotions but we need to let them. If there were or is a MAJOR problem I would tell him. But it does me no good to put my nose in where it doesn't belong even if asked.

So I have come up with some guidelines that people should at when going into a relationship that I would give anyone including myself.

Things to look at when wanting to date a girl:
1. Does she have more than one girlfriend? This may seem strange but it tells a lot about a girl with what company she keeps and if she can get along with others. Sure there are a few exceptions to the rule like my sister who is extremely shy but she has her sisters as her best friends.
2. Are their more guy friends than girl friends in her life? Again huge indicator of relationships. I am a big tomboy at heart but I also know that I can't keep my guy friends forever. When guys are all I hang out with it becomes messy. There is at some point "tension" if you know what I mean. Or I am seeking attention or validation from men. Again this is just what I see and have experienced.
3. How is she around kids? Whether her own or others it is a big deal with how she treats them. Some women are not of a motherly instinct which is fine but if a woman puts her needs before her children that is just not OK. Patience with kids is tough stuff and I can only imagine what it is like to be a mom but I see good moms who put their kids first even when they are running around like a chicken screaming at the top of their lungs.

Things to look at when wanting to date a guy:
1. Does he have more girlfriends than guy friends? This one is a big one in my opinion because I know that if he has a lot of girlfriends a lot of them like him and I am not about to join the throng. With guys who just hang out with girls it is difficult to discern his feelings for you. Cause let me tell you he may be a player, a mamma's boy, or doesn't know how to be one of the guys. Again just from my perspective.
2. How is he when playing sports? I am one competitive cookie but I also believe in good sportsmanship. There is difference in winning and losing yourself. If he can't handle the guy guarding him while wanting to take a shot most likely he doesn't know how to handle stressful situations without elbows or words being thrown.
3. What does he do in his spare time? If he likes to play video games great you better like it to or be able to put up with it. If he goes to the gym for 4 hours or plays basketball with the guys again you better be ok with it. Men are not like women in wanting to do service and talk with their girlfriends on the phone for hours. So when looking at dating a guy make sure you are ok with his extracurricular activities because on more than one occasion I have seen this be a crux in a relationship.

My whole point of this post is two-fold.
1. Don't voice your opinion all the time even when asked it can come back to bite you in the butt. Make you look like the bad guy or petty fool. I may have the best of intentions but trust me it is not my place to pass judgment or have them hear my voice on someone else's relationship.
2. Look for the good and bad signs. Know that at this stage in the game their main characteristics aren't changing much. So make sure they are ones that you can respect and enjoy.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Entitlement Dating

I am sure I have written a previous post that is similar to this but the topic came up again recently in conversation I had with a guy friend.

We were comparing our social outings and recent dating stories. I crack up every time I talk to him because of the perspective he brings. Well this time he did not disappoint and with his permission I am sharing our conversation.

I started off with the why it is difficult and frustrating to date LDS (Mormon) men. Here was my quick list of struggles.

  1. They feel that every girl should know how to cook, clean, sew, play an instrument or sing, and stay a size 2 with a cute figure of Barbie.
  2. We should be grateful that they even asked us out because otherwise we would be sitting at home with our bon bons and wallowing.
  3. It is easier to date an atheist than a LDS guy. This is a point I brought up with a recent dating experience. There were no expectations from the atheist guy. Sure the big elephant in the room was that I believe in God and he doesn’t but beyond that we had a great time. It was all about getting to know each other. Not comparing notes of who we know or going through a list of questions that tend to follow on an LDS date.
  4. LDS men feel they have the right to date up. Yes you want to date someone that makes you want to be better but perhaps at the cost of the other losing a little of themselves. We all know how this works and it is usually put on a physical 1 to 10 scale. My scale is 1 to 10 but it isn’t about what the guy looks like.

So after I was able to air my dating grievances he shared with me his on dating LDS women. I will put his reply in quatations as I think it is much better as such without the numbered list.

"hhmm see I would think the opposite as it's Mormon women who I think are entitled.
But that's just my opinion and perspective.
Sure you're a daughter of God of great worth but then again by that definition so is every female on the planet.
Why are you special again?
What are you doing with your life?
Oh yeah nothing?
So you're pretty much capable of procreation and that's it...yeah pass.
But somehow you're fulfilling your diving mission to have a uterus and doing nothing else with your life again....pass."

I will be honest the first time I read his reply I gawked. I mean how dare he say that because I don’t think that at all. Then it hit me….we all think like this. We all feel we have something to bring to the table of a relationship that no one else can. This is true to an extent. I think where the hang up really is that we expect something from God, universe, karma whatever you call it because we have worked for who we are and what we have.

By definition Entitlement is: Belief that one is deserving of or entitled to certain privileges. In the case of the LDS culture we call it blessings. Because we have done A, B, C God must give us D. In some cases this is true and there are natural laws at play with that theory. However, when it comes to dating, eternal mate selection, and the big choices God wants us to rely on ourselves. Yes we have worked for ABC but that should help us see the answer of D not expect it to be given to us.

To let go of foolish traditions of what I think/want/worked for/deserve in my eternal companion is the hardest thing to do. I do have expectations from God and from myself in what I get out of this life but I can’t put those expectations on others. I am no more special than the next girl or guy because we are all children of God and should look at each other as such. Not as a prize that we deserve because we followed ABC.

***As a post-script I do want to add that I never mean offense in my writings. This is just what I see in my world and how I feel.***