Friday, November 8, 2013

Letting Go

Not being a mother I can only imagine the struggle it is to let children go. Let them go on the first day of school, drive their first car, leave for college and the most permanent letting go of the child getting married.


In recent days I have had to let go of some friendships. As a single person friendships are the most important thing to me. Whether it is the friendships I have formed with family members or friends it is always difficult to let go. Sometimes this is thought of as a negative thing. That one or the other in a friendship did something wrong and therefore that is why you are letting go. That is not the case at all.


What I have realized is that as a single person I hold on to tight to most of my friendships. At times it is inappropriate to keep in contact with someone who has moved on and gotten married or started dating someone. Also there are the friendships that evolve and are no longer beneficial but are more of a perfunctory relationship then anything else. The latter being usually with someone you have dated and have tried to remain friends because you get along so well.


No matter the reasoning for letting go of a relationship it is sometimes needed. It can be temporary or permanent depending on what you want to accomplish from it. It is however not easy for me to let go. As previously stated I hang on and cherish all the friendships in my life but when I see that it is not beneficial for myself because of my expectations of it or for them because I can tend to smother it is time to let go. Let go of my expectations of the friendship/relationship. There is also the part of me that gets lost in keeping them close. I put the relationship and friendships first. Being there for people is a big part of who I am but sometimes it is at the expense of losing who I am and my goals in life to be there for another. Again the balance of life is essential in maintaining who you are because they are friends because of that. If you lose yourself in the friendship you are doing yourself and them a disservice.


It seems to me that on a subconscious level I feel that I have failed when I can’t keep these relationships healthy and going. There is also hurt for me to let go of the possibilities of the friendship. Not that I use people but I do lean on people for love and support when needed as we all do. So what is the fine line and balance of such relationships where you don’t have to let go?


This is my conundrum this week. I let go of a few friendships because I felt that I lost myself along the road and put too much of who I am into their well-being. Even though I know it is not my responsibility but it is part of who I am. I talked with the people involved. (don’t let go without telling them…that’s just rude) But where it hurts and is difficult is that I care about these people. I want them to happy and find the success of their dreams. Perhaps I am too much an optimist that all is supposed to be perfect and remaining forever friends is always the case. Little does my poor ego know that it isn’t the case.


The biggest part of letting go process though is letting go of my grip on my expectations. People have agency, which is a blessing from God. Allowing them to use it is so hard. Again I refer back to the mother’s of the world. I couldn’t imagine seeing and letting go of a child as they make decisions for them self. You want them to have the best possible life with the world laid before them but letting go so they can step into it has got to be tough stuff. This is something that I don’t envy in my parents or my sisters. They have had to do this many times and my mere incidences with those I care about pale in comparison but to me the friends are my world and it hurts to let go and let them live without you.

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Find Yourself Again

There comes a moment where you realize that you lost yourself along the road. You got weighed down by responsibilities and the day to day grind. As a single person I would think I would be less inclined to lose myself but that is not the case at all. So after a week like this one I was hit with a ton of bricks that read "SSS, you are crazy and are living life for other people. Where did you lose yourself too?"

Picking myself up after that was not easy. I had to let go of friendships and have honesty conversations with some of my family members. I hid a lot of who I was and what I was going through because I wanted to be there for everyone. Whether I was doing that for pride, selflessness, or just plain who I am, is the question I have been searching for the answer to the last few days.

To give a little insight into how this all went down I will share a story of what possibly happens to us....or what happened to me.

About 2 years ago I had a HORRIBLE experience in dating. From that experience I became bitter, resentful, and super controlling of my life. I didn't trust anyone and just kept going on pretending nothing happened and covering things up. There were a lot of people around me but I felt like I was hiding who I was. Which I think we all do to an extent. We hide because we fear not being accepted, or they might judge us, or that is none of anyone's business. ;) Well I hid myself for all these reasons. Throughout the course of the next 2 years I kept trying to find a relationship but never committing to anything. Afraid that I couldn't be honest to them or to myself.

I do not blame anyone for anything. Life is mostly made up of our own doing. We create what we create with the sprinkles of other people's choices dabbled on. I realized that I was growing my hair out not because I liked me with long hair but comments are constantly made about men loving women with long hair. I wasn't going to a singles ward because that is what everyone thought I should do to meet a man. I kept being friends with men I liked because we were such good friends and I didn't want to lose our friendship. On and on and on it goes until I lost myself completely. I lost my spunk, my sassy minx ways, and my genuine good heart.

Long story short my life all came to a head the last few days. I realized that I have missed out on some great relationships because I never told the guy what I thought of them or us. Never told them how I cared for them or that I would like to pursue a relationship. Instead I hid everything I was because I thought they would just come to that conclusion. FALSE!!! We can't read each others minds and thank goodness for that.

We lose ourselves because we portray what we think others need/want from us. It is not their fault it just happens. Until that day when you letting go of that false person is the only way to survive. So that is what I am doing. I am done pretending that things are happy go lucky. There are wonderful moments in life that make me giddy with happiness but there are also horrible and unfair things that happen. So it's time to find ourselves again and be honest about keeping to that. It is hard to do and we still we lose parts of ourselves for others but just remember to keep something for you.

For me it was cutting my hair, to what I love and makes me feel like me. It is going to the gym to start training for a half marathon so I can get off of medications. However, the most important thing I did to find myself was talk to my mother and tell her who I really am.

A single sassy sister who is trying to find a husband but doesn't trust men.