There comes a moment where you realize that you lost yourself along the road. You got weighed down by responsibilities and the day to day grind. As a single person I would think I would be less inclined to lose myself but that is not the case at all. So after a week like this one I was hit with a ton of bricks that read "SSS, you are crazy and are living life for other people. Where did you lose yourself too?"
Picking myself up after that was not easy. I had to let go of friendships and have honesty conversations with some of my family members. I hid a lot of who I was and what I was going through because I wanted to be there for everyone. Whether I was doing that for pride, selflessness, or just plain who I am, is the question I have been searching for the answer to the last few days.
To give a little insight into how this all went down I will share a story of what possibly happens to us....or what happened to me.
About 2 years ago I had a HORRIBLE experience in dating. From that experience I became bitter, resentful, and super controlling of my life. I didn't trust anyone and just kept going on pretending nothing happened and covering things up. There were a lot of people around me but I felt like I was hiding who I was. Which I think we all do to an extent. We hide because we fear not being accepted, or they might judge us, or that is none of anyone's business. ;) Well I hid myself for all these reasons. Throughout the course of the next 2 years I kept trying to find a relationship but never committing to anything. Afraid that I couldn't be honest to them or to myself.
I do not blame anyone for anything. Life is mostly made up of our own doing. We create what we create with the sprinkles of other people's choices dabbled on. I realized that I was growing my hair out not because I liked me with long hair but comments are constantly made about men loving women with long hair. I wasn't going to a singles ward because that is what everyone thought I should do to meet a man. I kept being friends with men I liked because we were such good friends and I didn't want to lose our friendship. On and on and on it goes until I lost myself completely. I lost my spunk, my sassy minx ways, and my genuine good heart.
Long story short my life all came to a head the last few days. I realized that I have missed out on some great relationships because I never told the guy what I thought of them or us. Never told them how I cared for them or that I would like to pursue a relationship. Instead I hid everything I was because I thought they would just come to that conclusion. FALSE!!! We can't read each others minds and thank goodness for that.
We lose ourselves because we portray what we think others need/want from us. It is not their fault it just happens. Until that day when you letting go of that false person is the only way to survive. So that is what I am doing. I am done pretending that things are happy go lucky. There are wonderful moments in life that make me giddy with happiness but there are also horrible and unfair things that happen. So it's time to find ourselves again and be honest about keeping to that. It is hard to do and we still we lose parts of ourselves for others but just remember to keep something for you.
For me it was cutting my hair, to what I love and makes me feel like me. It is going to the gym to start training for a half marathon so I can get off of medications. However, the most important thing I did to find myself was talk to my mother and tell her who I really am.
A single sassy sister who is trying to find a husband but doesn't trust men.