Thursday, May 29, 2014

Exiting Single Life

Yesterday I got my marriage license. I never thought that day would ever come. I really didn't. I was content and happy being my single sassy self. Then all of a sudden this guy comes into my life and I fall in love with him and he becomes my best friend who I love to spend time with. When did this happen? But that is another post. This post is about my anxiety and flash before my eyes moments that occurred while waiting in line.

Let me start off by saying that I am so EXCITED to be getting married and to my (as my friend put it) "Smart Match." However, it has come with a lot of fear, heartache, adjustments, laughter, love, hugs, and kisses. But while standing in that line most of what I felt was fear. The following are what were plaguing my mind.

1.  Are we going to live happily ever after? I have family and friends who are going through or are divorced. They, I am sure, started out just as I am now. Loving their fiancĂ© ready to take on the world with them. Then somewhere things changed for them. No judgment on this because I know that there are reasons beyond my knowledge of the situations where it is between the two of them of what lead them to the point of divorce. Especially marrying someone who has been divorced. So as this fear crept into my mind here was my counter to it - It is possible but if I am honest with him and myself throughout this marriage it will be what it should be. There is always a possibility of change and destruction but there is also the change of good things as well. I have beaten the odds with so many other things in my life I will just tackle this the same way. With reckless abandon. :) Work has always been my motto of life. We work through the struggles and strife while trying to enjoy the good. So it will continue. Nothing will change from my perspective of how I handle life just that I am now doing it with someone else to consider.

2.  We both come with a very big carriage of baggage. Traversing through my own baggage has weighed me down at times. Trying to always be positive or optimistic about the luggage of my life has helped in tough moments but now it is time to take on more. Taking on someone else's baggage along with my own and allowing them to have mine as well has been the biggest fear. We have been through a lot in our short time together and I do not see it becoming lighter any time soon. The problem with us is that we try to "make it up" to the other. Due to the fact that we both have some pretty serious and heavy baggage we try to lighten each others loads and make up for our short comings that we bring to the relationship. This is a concern and a blessing. Concern because we may be overly trying and will burn out on that part, yet a blessing because we try to serve each other. I think it will eventually be for sheer enjoyment that we serve each other in our lives and not because we feel we have to make up for what we bring.

3.  Being a step-mother to young adults and teenagers is a HUGE fear. He has four daughters ranging from 21 to 12. This is a big thing for me as I don't have any children of my own and stepping into this role has been a challenge. I love these girls and they each are so unique and talented. They all are far more intelligent then myself that sometime the conversations they have I can't contribute or be a part of because I literally have no idea what they are talking about. Also one of them is getting married this year and another is engaged. WHOA is all I can say. Stepping into their lives at this point is difficult just because they are all grown and I feel I have nothing to offer to their lives but at the same time it is great because I know how to be more of a friend then a mother figure. Again it is a mixed bag but I just hope that whatever happens they see how much I love their dad and them unconditionally. There will be growing pains and uncomfortable moments but I am pretty sure that is with any child/parent relationship. At least that is my hope.

4.  Life is forever changed. It is not that I don't want to give up my single life but I also am having a hard time moving forward. When you live with roommates it's easy. You can change the roommate situation. But a husband is a little more difficult to change and there is a lot more compromise and communication then what was required with roommates. It costs twice as much to do something because you are paying for two people vs. one. Making decisions on if/when we want to have kids. There are just a lot of changes that come with this. My goal though is to not change who I am. Care for him now and going forward as I have cared for all others in my life.

Who I am will not change but will evolve. It will evolve into a couple lifestyle instead of a single lifestyle and as horribly fearful that can be I am also THRILLED for this new adventure. Single life has taught me so much of who I am and what I want out of life that I just hope to carry on with that alongside my sweetheart.

P.S. Don't worry I will continue writing but it will be a little different of the sassy side...aka adding a family to your life that lives in town. New challenges and opportunities await!!!

Sunday, December 15, 2013

I Wasn't Lying

Sitting in the airport waiting for my flight to Colorado to visit a sister I called my mom. I love talking with my mom. She is pretty amazing for putting up with me and listening to the many tears, rants, happiness, and whirlwind of life.

This conversation went a little differently. I started telling her about a guy. A guy that I was dating. How much we get along, how we just clicked and how natural it was to be with him. I was so dumbfounded that I actually said "Mom, I have always told my friends that the relationship should be natural and not forced. That they want to spend time, talk with, or kiss the guy." Even though I believed it and wanted it for my friends I couldn't believe that it actually could happen to me. I just started laughing on the phone with her because I realized that all those things I told my friends was exactly what I wanted it to be like AND IT IS!!!

I have dated many a man and have like many a man but this one made me feel different. He and I just clicked. He asked for my number and for our first date he fixed my car. Not only fixed my car but taught me how to do it. Which is huge because I love to learn and he was so patient and sweet with all my questions. I joke that I was just playing Vanna White but it was much more then that.

From there we just started talking every day. I didn't/don't get annoyed with him calling or texting me. Which in the past has done. The rolling of the eyes is only when he does something cheesy and makes me smile.

Also as I have previously stated in my blog about how the tough conversations need to be had before you get too attached held true. On our second/third (started out as a lunch date but ended up being an all day date) date we laid the cards out on the table. We did this because we both felt that this was something more than a date to date thing between us.

As you all know sharing my story can be tough and how are they going to handle the whole "chronic illness and possible death" conversation. He handled it like a champ. But I think it is only because of his life.  We just started talking and he asked "What would you say if I told you...." Now let's be honest at this point in the game of life everyone comes with baggage and a history. He is no different and I was taken back by the conversation.

He comes with 4 daughters and many other things. I am not going to lie it all took me for a whirlwind. It still takes me for a ride and I have moments of panic and stress but he is always so willing to help me understand who he is and so I am comfortable and feel safe. He doesn't hide things because he feels it will help me trust him. (Yeah he may have had his sister find my blog and give him a little heads up on that.)   ;)

Anyway what I am trying to say is that through all my years of single life I really wasn't lying with what I said. I knew relationships would be difficult and have hardships but man I didn't think it could also be so natural to be with someone.

Now don't worry there are not wedding bells just yet as we have a LONG way to go before I will be able to swallow that idea but for now he is exactly what I need. He always opens my doors, helps me with my coat, holds my hand for everyone to see, talks with me through my anxiety, (cause I may have freaked out a little when he told me he loved me) but most importantly he is someone I can trust because he has shown me who he is. He is not perfect and there will be challenges but I am not lying when I say it is natural and easy to be with him.

Look for those relationships that you don't have to hide or lie about who you are to make them feel better. I am back to my cheesy and geek self because he lets me be that. We just have fun because we can be ourselves around one another. This should be the case even with friends. Filters are good to have in some situations but for the most part those you spend the most time with really should know who you are....not the face that you put on.

Friday, November 8, 2013

Letting Go

Not being a mother I can only imagine the struggle it is to let children go. Let them go on the first day of school, drive their first car, leave for college and the most permanent letting go of the child getting married.


In recent days I have had to let go of some friendships. As a single person friendships are the most important thing to me. Whether it is the friendships I have formed with family members or friends it is always difficult to let go. Sometimes this is thought of as a negative thing. That one or the other in a friendship did something wrong and therefore that is why you are letting go. That is not the case at all.


What I have realized is that as a single person I hold on to tight to most of my friendships. At times it is inappropriate to keep in contact with someone who has moved on and gotten married or started dating someone. Also there are the friendships that evolve and are no longer beneficial but are more of a perfunctory relationship then anything else. The latter being usually with someone you have dated and have tried to remain friends because you get along so well.


No matter the reasoning for letting go of a relationship it is sometimes needed. It can be temporary or permanent depending on what you want to accomplish from it. It is however not easy for me to let go. As previously stated I hang on and cherish all the friendships in my life but when I see that it is not beneficial for myself because of my expectations of it or for them because I can tend to smother it is time to let go. Let go of my expectations of the friendship/relationship. There is also the part of me that gets lost in keeping them close. I put the relationship and friendships first. Being there for people is a big part of who I am but sometimes it is at the expense of losing who I am and my goals in life to be there for another. Again the balance of life is essential in maintaining who you are because they are friends because of that. If you lose yourself in the friendship you are doing yourself and them a disservice.


It seems to me that on a subconscious level I feel that I have failed when I can’t keep these relationships healthy and going. There is also hurt for me to let go of the possibilities of the friendship. Not that I use people but I do lean on people for love and support when needed as we all do. So what is the fine line and balance of such relationships where you don’t have to let go?


This is my conundrum this week. I let go of a few friendships because I felt that I lost myself along the road and put too much of who I am into their well-being. Even though I know it is not my responsibility but it is part of who I am. I talked with the people involved. (don’t let go without telling them…that’s just rude) But where it hurts and is difficult is that I care about these people. I want them to happy and find the success of their dreams. Perhaps I am too much an optimist that all is supposed to be perfect and remaining forever friends is always the case. Little does my poor ego know that it isn’t the case.


The biggest part of letting go process though is letting go of my grip on my expectations. People have agency, which is a blessing from God. Allowing them to use it is so hard. Again I refer back to the mother’s of the world. I couldn’t imagine seeing and letting go of a child as they make decisions for them self. You want them to have the best possible life with the world laid before them but letting go so they can step into it has got to be tough stuff. This is something that I don’t envy in my parents or my sisters. They have had to do this many times and my mere incidences with those I care about pale in comparison but to me the friends are my world and it hurts to let go and let them live without you.

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Find Yourself Again

There comes a moment where you realize that you lost yourself along the road. You got weighed down by responsibilities and the day to day grind. As a single person I would think I would be less inclined to lose myself but that is not the case at all. So after a week like this one I was hit with a ton of bricks that read "SSS, you are crazy and are living life for other people. Where did you lose yourself too?"

Picking myself up after that was not easy. I had to let go of friendships and have honesty conversations with some of my family members. I hid a lot of who I was and what I was going through because I wanted to be there for everyone. Whether I was doing that for pride, selflessness, or just plain who I am, is the question I have been searching for the answer to the last few days.

To give a little insight into how this all went down I will share a story of what possibly happens to us....or what happened to me.

About 2 years ago I had a HORRIBLE experience in dating. From that experience I became bitter, resentful, and super controlling of my life. I didn't trust anyone and just kept going on pretending nothing happened and covering things up. There were a lot of people around me but I felt like I was hiding who I was. Which I think we all do to an extent. We hide because we fear not being accepted, or they might judge us, or that is none of anyone's business. ;) Well I hid myself for all these reasons. Throughout the course of the next 2 years I kept trying to find a relationship but never committing to anything. Afraid that I couldn't be honest to them or to myself.

I do not blame anyone for anything. Life is mostly made up of our own doing. We create what we create with the sprinkles of other people's choices dabbled on. I realized that I was growing my hair out not because I liked me with long hair but comments are constantly made about men loving women with long hair. I wasn't going to a singles ward because that is what everyone thought I should do to meet a man. I kept being friends with men I liked because we were such good friends and I didn't want to lose our friendship. On and on and on it goes until I lost myself completely. I lost my spunk, my sassy minx ways, and my genuine good heart.

Long story short my life all came to a head the last few days. I realized that I have missed out on some great relationships because I never told the guy what I thought of them or us. Never told them how I cared for them or that I would like to pursue a relationship. Instead I hid everything I was because I thought they would just come to that conclusion. FALSE!!! We can't read each others minds and thank goodness for that.

We lose ourselves because we portray what we think others need/want from us. It is not their fault it just happens. Until that day when you letting go of that false person is the only way to survive. So that is what I am doing. I am done pretending that things are happy go lucky. There are wonderful moments in life that make me giddy with happiness but there are also horrible and unfair things that happen. So it's time to find ourselves again and be honest about keeping to that. It is hard to do and we still we lose parts of ourselves for others but just remember to keep something for you.

For me it was cutting my hair, to what I love and makes me feel like me. It is going to the gym to start training for a half marathon so I can get off of medications. However, the most important thing I did to find myself was talk to my mother and tell her who I really am.

A single sassy sister who is trying to find a husband but doesn't trust men.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

What Will It Take?

What will it take for us to see
The glorious person God wants us to be
We seem to get stuck in the thick of thin things
Instead of looking for the blessings he brings

What will it take for us to see
The glorious person God wants us to be
He wants us to create and live his way
But we get stuck in the day to day

What will it take for us to see
The glorious person God wants us to be
While wars rage on to bring freedoms crown
We put on our music and hang our heads down

The race we call life will one day end
It scares me to think that I will not win
I will stand all alone wanting to cry
Because I knew better and didn't even try

The blessings I gave up to party and play
I thought I  knew better than God's way
The fight seems so difficult at times it consumes
But there must be a way to get past all this glum

Do we even know or understand
That the Great God above has a plan
We lack faith in ourselves as well as each other
And tear down the good of our neighbor and brother

What's even worse is that we don't see
His hand in our lives that leads to our destiny
He guides in loving patient reproof
Yet I try to direct it and then I lose

I lose part of myself each wrong turn
Hoping and hoping that I will return
Return to that girl who once had faith
The faith to move mountains and felt his loving embrace

Do we give up and give into sin
Once we do Satan will surely win
He won't win our soul at least not at first
But little by little we become his reserve

Will it take lightning, death or disease
To quickly humble us and put us on our knees
Where will we stand when he comes once again
I hope I don't hide and bury my sins

But if I am prepared I shall not fear
But rejoice in the fact that he comes so near
Aren't you concerned about the state of your soul
Why do you not look for what makes it whole

It's not on a shelf to be borrowed or bought
But inside each other and should be sought
So look to each other for the best things to give
Because each of us needs to forgive

What will it take for us to become
That glorious person in heaven above
We need to let go and trust in our God
That he know us all and helps us through love

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Knight in Shining Armor

As a woman I have watched many an hour of Disney princesses, romantic comedies, and the all too real love stories. I used to dream about my future husband and the characteristics I wanted in him. They consisted of both mental and physical things. Then I grew up and realized that the knight in shining armor or boy riding up on the motorcycle for a rescue does not exist. Nor would I want him to.

Let me explain why I don't want a knight in shining armor. He has NEVER seen battle. If he is riding up on a perfectly quaffed stallion with gleaming armor he doesn't know what life is. We say we want to be rescued or to be swept off our feet but really it becomes more of a knock you off your feet in a kind of dumbfounded way. Going from the strong independent woman to the need a man kind always throws me for a loop. Why can't they just continue in their lives the same way, just working together?

I have experienced and been through a lot in life. I would expect the same thing in a companion. Is he perfect... NOPE because I am not perfect. I don't always have myself put together. Often I am seen with my shoes half put on with an apple in my mouth digging for my keys in the morning. There is a part of us we would all like to hide or keep secret and sometimes that should be the case but on the whole the experiences and struggles in life have made us who we are. We all get sick, we have all sinned, we have all struggled, we have all had successes. They have each shaped and left a mark on our armor, which is not a bad thing.

Picture with me for a moment the story of Snow White. She had to runaway from the huntsman, get along with 7 dwarfs, cook, clean and all the time look over her shoulder for a woman who wanted her dead. While on the other hand we know very little about Prince Charming. (Not talking about Once Upon a Time show guy but the original Disney story.) We don't see his struggles to find her really. We see him all nice and clean opening the casket and kissing her to wake her up. Then riding off into the sunset on a beautiful white horse. There is no mud tracks on his clothing or horse. There is no hint of him working to find her. Just that he found her and kissed her and they lived happily ever after. This is probably one of the reason's I prefer Sleeping Beauty to Snow White. Prince Phillip fights the dragon and climbs a tower. aka works to wake Aurora.

So why do I not like this story? I don't like it because it makes me mad that after all Snow White did to fend off a witch and the huntsman, the man comes in and kisses her and all is well. Don't get me wrong I like a good kiss and like a guy to be there for me but it doesn't reflect on the reality of what it takes to get a "Happily Ever After." Did their problems end when they rode off? Was there a castle waiting with servants and easy street? Who knows.  All we can do is make conclusions.

For me I want a Knight in battered and rust colored armor. A person who has taken what life has given them and worked at what they wanted to create. Someone who is shaped by the war of life because he will understand why I am the way I am. It is all about understanding what got us to the point of meeting one another.

Men and women who come out smelling like roses at the end of the day never put their hands in the garden. They lightly touched the rose and smelled it but didn't work to grow it.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Is Timing Everything?

Time is something that is one of the mysteries of this life for me. There are minutes that seem like hours and years that seem like a blink of the eye. We all only have 24 hours in a day and yet it isn't the same amount every day. Anyone who knows me knows how I am about my clocks and being on time to things. I don't like to waste my time or anyone else's. It has caused a few tense conversations with friends and guys. I was raised to respect people's time and perhaps I take it to an extreme. In recent weeks time has been weighing on my mind so I did a little research on the idioms we often use regarding time.
Here are a few that stuck out to me.

Waste of Time
On time
Out of Time
It's About Time
What Time is it?
Time is on your side
No time like the present
Time flies when you are having fun
Time waits for no one
Right on time
Perfect timing
All in good time
It's all in the Lord's time

Many can be used in funny dating sayings or conversations but when it comes to actual dating it is usually used as a way to describe how we must be patient. As with the last idiom I mentioned, that is the one most used. At least in my experience and hearing. However, I feel like the first one when dating. Like I am wasting my time with dating and socializing.

Now now not saying that it is all a waste of time or that I don't/haven't learned a lot in my dating years but the first and the last really ring true to me. So I will focus more on those two in regards to my view of time and dating.

Let me start off by saying that there is such a thing as a waste of time date. We have all been on one. It is the pity date or the I am not doing anything else so I should just say yes date. There is a sort of anxiousness that comes with wasting time. We wait for the him to call. We wait for her to return said call and say yes. Then we go out and there is all this conversation and time getting to know one another. Again let me reiterate not all of it is a waste of time and these steps are needed to grow in a relationship. However, what becomes a waste of time is when you get to a point on a date or in your dating/courtship where it hits the lull. The lull of do we continue or do we breakup. This time of indecision can be one of fierce self speculation and criticism. It also can be a waste of time if the two of you don't communicate.

So much time is wasted in relationships not communicating. Assuming what the other one wants in a relationship doesn't do any good. Take the time to have the DTR talk.  (Define the Relationship) If you are both honest in the conversation then no time would be wasted. But to fear what the rejection or even the acceptance is wasting energy and time that most of us at this age don't have. (OK I am pretty much meaning me.)

Save time and the relationship by being yourself and opening up when the time is right. Either way you can move forward and not waste time on something that is not what you want. You may want more in the relationship and by golly they may as well.

Moving on to the Lord's time. In past and recent conversations this has been brought up MANY MANY times to me. People want to encourage by saying that it didn't work out because it wasn't the Lord's time. Let me be frank....It hasn't worked out because I haven't listened to the Lord's timing. I'll be honest there have been times when I knew what the Lord's timing was for me but I was fearful that I wasn't ready. Do I kick myself, a little, but I now know that is isn't about his timing for me but for the two of us and I need to be alright with allowing His/his timing to be right.

Timing in dating the right person is tough and practically takes a miracle. It is more then just making time for a date but time for each other. Are you both open to a relationship? Has there been enough time to get over the last one and not drag it into a new one? I could go on and on but I think you all know what it takes to make a relationship get off the ground. When offered the suggestion/advice of waiting on the Lord's time, take a deep breath and remember that it is more then just your watch to take into consideration.